Thursday, June 18, 2009

Michael - Day 2

He seems to be doing a bit better today. He was using the pain med pump a little less often (and so, by this afternoon when I was there for the second time today, he was a little more lucid). He got up (with help) and walked around three times today. He seemed a little more restful - still falling asleep in mid-sentence, but staying asleep for longer periods. He had some clear fluids by mouth today. He did develop a fever which fluctuated throughout the day, and I don't think they determined the cause. They did a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia (always a concern for someone who is mostly bedridden after surgery), which was clear. I think they were going to run some other tests to rule out infection, but the nurse didn't seem too concerned, so I'm trying not to be too concerned either.

It's hard to believe, seeing him in this condition, that it's possible that in a few more days he might actually be improved enough to be released. It's hard to imagine that right now, but I guess the possibility - even the likelihood - is there. At least that's what the nurses tell me.

It makes me think back on Finn's initial surgery the day after he was born, too. A somewhat similar surgery. I see how much pain Michael is in, how difficult this is for him, and it horrifies me to imagine that that's the kind of pain Finn experienced as a newborn baby. Maybe it's different for the very young, maybe they're more resilient, quicker to recover and heal. I don't know. I just know that in some ways this feels like deja vu, like the reliving of a certain nightmare.

I miss Michael so much. I miss his conversation, I miss his laughter, his goofiness, his way with the kids, the feeling of safety I have with him. I feel useless when I go to the hospital. He mostly sleeps. I'd like to think that my just being there is helping him somehow, but I don't know. I come home and there's still all the usual things that have to be taken care of, which in a way is a good distraction, and in a way just leaves me feeling alone. I'm trying to be a "big girl," but it's sometimes overwhelming and sometimes feels like "who the hell left me in charge?" I know this is all temporary, and I keep kicking myself for being so full of self-pity over it all, but damn, this is all just really hard.

The kids miss him too. Throughout the day - especially when they're not getting their way about something - the girls whine over and over "I want Daaaaaddddeeeee." Actually, they do this even when he's not in the hospital - I'm sure it's just typical childhood manipulation and emotional blackmail - but it's just all the more unbearable right now.

Anyway, so, yeah, he did seem a bit improved today. Tomorrow a little more, hopefully. Day by day.


6 comments:

Jeanette said...

Oh Lisa, I just cried reading this. Hang in there my dear! I am praying for you both. I am glad that Michael is feeling a little better. I also saw your post on the dinners and edible bouquet (sorry, can't spell). It sounds like you have some local support!

Sarah said...

Oh Lisa, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I am sending you lots of love and support and keeping you in my thoughts!!! May tomorrow be a better day for all of you! ~ Sarah (fostersm)

Leigh Anne said...

Lisa, I'm so glad to hear that he seems to be doing better with every day that passes...closer to full recovery. It's a long, slow road, but you all will make it there.

Oh, and being someone who, it seems, was in the hospital (as a visitor) so many times in the past 4 years, your presence there is definitely helpful. My dad was in and out of the hospital for CHF and sugar issues a lot since I moved back home...he told me that me being there made it more bearable. He has also been in for numerous heart surgeries...though it's difficult to watch them in an incoherant state....and hard to believe that someday you will look back at the things said and laugh, but you will. I was only 13 when my dad had one of his bypass surgeries, and I was a mess. But he kept saying to go get the head of the hospital b/c he was the one who shot him (obviously morphine induced)...I cried and cried to see him so out of it, but you gotta admit...that was pretty darn funny.

Thinking of you always friend...

Jodi said...

So glad to hear he's improving - it's scary as hell to be so helpless when someone you love is suffering.

Tricia said...

Glad to hear it seems M is feeling a bit better. Time in the hospital is all hurry up and wait it seems. I remember the first couple days after Georgia's surgery thinking...there is NO way we are going home any time soon, and lo and behold by day three it was like she had turned a corner. By day 5 we were home. I hope it's the same with Michael. I was thinking while reading this about how if I were going through this I'd be wanting to share the whole thing WITH Alex. It must be very frustrating and lonely without Michael to share it all with. I say this hoping not to make you feel worse, but to say I totally understand how that would feel. At least in my mind. I am sorry you have to go through this and can't wait for you to be on the FAR side of this dratted fence.

Carla said...

Every 24 hours is another day closer to recovery and health. Thinking of you.