And so, it's come to this

Michael goes into surgery tomorrow afternoon. When he was first diagnosed with cancer back in February, the surgery seemed like an eternity away, but here it is, right on top of us. And with all the anxiety and tension and fear over these last few weeks and especially the last few days, there has come a point of surrender. I have to believe that he's going to be okay, I just have to believe that.

Today was a busy day. I got up this morning and suddenly it seemed like there were a thousand things I had to get done today (I'm sure I created this giant to-do list in order to not lose my mind today). Michael spent a good chunk of the day at the hospital pre-registering and having all his pre-op bloodwork and labs done. He bought a stuffed animal for each of our kids, and with great seriousness sat each of them down and gave them their stuffed animal, telling them that he needs them to take care of them while he's in the hospital. Kevin, of course, understands the gravity of the situation better than the other kids, although he doesn't at all seem worried or upset. I guess I should be happy about that. Joey, who has been having a tough time with all of this for a while, seems okay now with knowing that Dad is going into the hospital for an operation. The twins know he's going, but I really don't think they have a grasp of it, which is probably better for them. And Lilah and Finn . . . eh. Too young to get it at all.

Audrey, my sister-in-law is coming to stay with the kids tomorrow. One of the biggest things I've been stressing out about is what to do with Finn. He's still nursing and won't take a bottle and hasn't figured out a cup yet, so I really can't be away from him for more than a few hours, and I've been very torn over whether to take him with us to the hospital or leave him at home. It seems like the best thing to do will be to leave him at home (especially since he seems to be coming down with a cold), so the plan is that I will stay with Michael until they take him back for surgery. His surgery is expected to take 2 - 3 hours, so I will come home during that time, get dinner for the kids, put Finn to bed, and go back to the hospital in the evening. Not ideal, but seems like the best I can do. I know Michael wants me to stay at the hospital while he's in surgery, but he also understands that we have a nursing baby. I feel bad about this, but I'm not so sure that taking Finn with me and having him cooped up in a stroller or the Ergo for several hours would be a better way to go.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Thank you to everyone who has called and emailed today. Knowing that you're all pulling for Michael and keeping a good thought for us means the world to me and to us. I will post updates here when I can.