Saturday, June 20, 2009

A better day

Some ups and downs today, but for the most part, an overall improvement from yesterday, both in Michael's progress and my outlook/attitude.

I spent a couple of hours with him this afternoon. When I arrived, he was up and ready for a walk around the floor he's on. He said he walked about 10 times already. He is able to get in and out of bed on his own now. His pain level has definitely improved, although he did still use the pump a couple of times today. He's eating and drinking a little bit by mouth, so I think they're going to start gradually weaning him off IV fluids/nourishment. He was awake for a good portion of the time I was there, and actually made sense when he talked.

I do feel that I've let him down, however. Unfortunately, I've not done a very good job at hiding how difficult this all is for me, and now he's worried about me, which leaves me feeling worse than ever. I don't have the right to burden him with my lame emotions with all he is going through . . . and yet, sometimes it's impossible for me to control the tears. I'm afraid that he feels that he can't really count on me when the chips are down.

I don't know what I was thinking . . . I was very scared and anxious about the surgery, but I don't think anything can really prepare you for something like this. I only had an abstract idea of how things would go, and I guess I figured that, while I realized the surgery was going to be a really big deal, as long as he pulled through the actual surgery (I had these terrible fears that some freak thing was going to happen to him on the operating table or immediately after surgery), it would be fairly smooth sailing after that. What a fool. I just wasn't prepared to see him like this, and to not have him to get through this with. He's my person, the one I lean on, the one I share everything with. Suddenly I am completely on my own dealing with this, at least from an emotional standpoint, and it's just been very, very difficult.


One of the many cool things about our new MacBook is that it has a built-in camera and a movie making program. So I had the kids make a little movie for Daddy this morning. They each told him how much they miss him and love him (and Joey said "I'm really sorry you had to get cut open . . . ."), and I took the laptop to the hospital with me so Michael could watch the movie. He really misses the kids, and it was good for him to "see" them. So he made his own movie for them while I was there, which I brought home for them to watch, and they were all very excited.

Oh, yeah, and Michael's oncologist made an appearance today while I was there. I've only met this guy once, way back in February when M was first diagnosed, and I remember then how hopeful he left me feeling about the situation. He's quite a character - thick New York accent, lots of gold jewelry, looks like he's wearing a bad toupe, but Michael thinks it's his own hair. Really down to earth guy. And just like that first time all those months ago, he left me feeling better today, optimistic. "Mike," he said, "You feel like you're in bad shape now, but I have eighty-year-olds I put through this, and they're fine. You're gonna be okay." Phew. I'll take him at his word. He also has a grown son with Down syndrome, which he revealed to Michael a while back, and I went out on a limb today and asked him about his son. He was very open, and very, very positive about that, too. I really like this guy.

So, one more day of this ordeal behind us.


Darla said...

I'm so glad he is doing better. Michael is really strong and I admire many things about him. You are strong too Lisa and no one wants to trade places with you right now. It's ok to feel however you feel. Look forward to the better days that are coming!

Larry said...

So glad to hear he was alert and up and about when you were there to see him! He is coming back to you - I know it is slower than you wanted/expected, but he's coming! Have a good day and let me know if you need help with the kids...Lisa

Keri said...

So good to hear that Michael is more lucid and is doing better. You can't control how you feel. If you need to cry to get through this, do it! In the long run, its healthier.

Tricia said...

So so SO happy to read this today. I hope Michael has an even better day today for Father's Day.