Endings and beginnings

It's just so hard. Today I moved the bassinet, the changing table, the swing, and the bouncy seat out of our room. I also went through all Finn's clothes and bagged up everything he's outgrown. In the past, when I've done this - moving the baby stuff out of our room and bagged up outgrown clothes - I've always packed it all away, hoping there would eventually be another baby to pass it all down to. It's different this time, though, because we've reached the end of the line. No more babies. Well, I've recently let Michael know that I'm actually open to another, but realistically, chances are extremely slim that there will ever be another for us. First of all, we need another kid like we need a hole in the head (and Michael is practical and reasonable enough to see this, whereas I tend to be all emotional about the whole topic). And secondly, because of Michael's cancer treatment, the chances we'd even be able to have another are slim. So. This time there will be no packing the stuff away for the next baby. And really, I've known this in my heart for a while. I did not pack away my maternity clothes this time - I gave them all away months ago. That was a huge step for me. So we need to unload all this stuff as well, and I'm thinking we should probably have a yard sale in the next few weeks. I can imagine myself out there crying as I haggle with people wanting my changing table or whatnot. Blah. Well, there definitely are some things I'm going to have a hard time parting with, like the swing. That wonderful Graco swing is 12+ years old and still works like a charm. It's been through all 6 of my kids plus two friends' babies! It has history. Even Kevin said today that I should save it for sentimental reasons. Hmmm. Seems kind of silly. Then again . . .

Anyway, our room suddenly seems much bigger. It's nice, on the one hand, to have it back to a "grown-up" room, but still I feel sad. And not just because I won't be having any more babies, but because this is the milestone - the baby moving into his own room - that signals the passing of his infancy. Never again will he be a brand new baby snuggled up close to me in my room.