Friday, March 27, 2009

I feel a breakdown coming on.

With everything going on . . . with the week we've had . . . and now this . . . I have that feeling. That feeling like I'm about to crack.

I was walking home from school with the kids a while ago and ran into a mom whose daughter was in Joey's kindergarten class last year. I asked her how things are going, as I know that her husband is serving his second deployment in Iraq. She said that he was recently home on leave for two weeks but is back in Iraq now and should be coming home in about six months. I almost started crying on the spot - for her and for myself. I don't know how she is coping, honestly. I don't know how any parent copes when they are trying to raise children and their spouse is away at war, risking their very lives. And it hit me that that's how I feel, like my husband is away at war (okay, I know this is presumptuous since I've never actually experienced having a husband away at war, but this is at least something like I imagine it would feel like). I could sit here and try to list all the parallels, but I'll just say that this sucks, absolutely sucks, and I just want Michael back, I want our life back.

I live in an almost constant state of anxiety these days, which escalates into all-out fear from time to time. Sometimes I just want to escape. Not leave, exactly, but somehow just be free of everthing that is causing all of my anxiety and fear. This afternoon after I put Finn and Lilah down for their naps, I left Kevin in charge and ran out for a quick errand. While I was out, I passed by Barnes & Noble, and suddenly I had this almost overwhelming desire to park my truck and go inside and hide among the books . . . for hours. Just be alone and pretend that my husband doesn't have cancer, and I don't have a baby with Down syndrome, and I don't have to make a decision about how much he needs physical therapy, and he's not going to have surgery in a little more than a week, and we have a million dollars socked away, and I don't have kids at home who are whiny and bickery, and . . . and . . . and. But I didn't. Because that didn't feel like the responsible thing to do.

Ack. I need a strong drink and a good cry I think.


Lisa B said...

So it's almost 6 pm - a totally respectable time to have a drink on a Friday night and once the kids are asleep in 2 hours, have the cry - it is the body's totally natural way to relieve stress and you should give it to yourself with no regrets or guilt - take a hot shower, sip your wine and cry it out :)

Wendy P said...

Amen to what Lisa B said. And, if you can swing it, you might try to schedule a nap for yourself.


Amanda said...

You definitely need to take some time and be good to yourself - you deserve it so much - is there any way you can make that happen for yourself?