You and Your Two-Year-Old

Congratulations! Your child is now two years old. This is a time of significant growth and learning. Your two-year-old is learning about the world around her, and how she affects it. More specifically, she is learning the most efficient ways of getting her way . . . about EVERYTHING.

Skills of a Typical Two-Year-Old:

~ Empty a typical bookshelf, drawer, or cabinet that silly parents have not childproofed in 10 seconds flat.

~ Place at least a few of the items that belong in said bookshelf, drawer, or cabinet into the black hole that every home containing a two-year-old possesses, never to be seen again.

~ Scream at a pitch that is likely to shatter glass . . . or at least be heard by various neighbors who will wonder if the child is being harmed. This pastime is a favorite as both an expression of unhappiness, and as a boredom-buster.

~ Flush the toilet. Over and over and over and over.

~ Drink water out of a big girl cup. Or just pour it out on the table or floor.

~ Wrap herself around your leg, impeding your mobility. This skill apparently needs to be exercised only when you really need to have the use of both legs, as when you, the adult, need to pee, when the toddler's infant brother's cries have reached a fever pitch, or when the kitchen is on fire.

~ Fancy herself a budding fashionista. In other words, at age two, if your child is a girl, she is probably already demanding to pick out her own clothes. A sundress on a 50-degree morning? Her favorite pink coat with the fake-fur trim on a 90-degree afternoon? Dress shoes with sweats? Go with it. Pick your battles.

~ Refuse to sit in a stroller.

~ "Spaghetti Legs" - this maneuver is a favorite among the toddler set. It involves collapsing her legs under herself when you, the adult, are attempting to lead her by the hand. This move results in your dragging her across the ground by the hand because her legs have ceased to function. This works well in public locales. Pay close attention to the looks you will get from the people around you.

~ "Flop and Drop" - this is related to "Spaghetti Legs" but takes it another step. This involves making her entire body limp and boneless. This maneuver is especially effective in busy parking lots and other dangerous, public places, and even more so if you, the adult, are also carrying an infant on your person.

~ When said two-year-old employs the Flop and Drop, you, the adult, will be forced to pick her up and carry her. At this point, she will probably arch her back, thereby throwing her body weight backwards, as she is being carried, against her will. If she falls and injures herself, it will be your fault.

~ Coloring with crayons. Or with markers if she can find them. In coloring books. Or on walls. Furniture also makes a nice canvas.

~ Addressing you by "Mommy." Relentlessly. As in, "Mommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeee?!?"

Just wait for Three!