Sunday, February 15, 2009

Is it crazy . . .

. . . that I love my life? Shouldn't I be cursing the gods, the universe, whatever? Shouldn't I be full of despair, a falling-apart mess?

I wish with all my heart that Michael didn't have cancer. And I wish Finn didn't have Down syndrome. I wish we had more money socked away. I wish the basement wasn't flooded and torn apart. I wish our mortgage payment wasn't so outrageous and our home's value plummeting with the crashing market. I wish I weighed 10 pounds less, and that I didn't have this icky loose tummy, courtesy of gestating six babies. I wish Daisy wasn't afraid of everything. I wish Annabelle would stop pulling her hair out. I wish we didn't have an a-hole as a next-door neighbor. I wish my garden were in better shape.

I wish a lot of things. But I love my life, I really do. I'm happy. I love my kids, quirks and all. I adore my husband and have a wonderful marriage that just seems to get stronger and stronger. And I believe in my heart of hearts that Michael is going to kick cancer in the teeth and be around to see our kids grow up and have families of their own. And most days lately, Finn's Ds doesn't seem like such an earth-shattering deal anymore.

I almost cringe at how Pollyanna-ish I sound. I'm not that girl. I'm actually cynical and skeptical and sarcastic and usually a little on the pessimistic side. So I don't know where this is coming from, exactly.

Will I be struck down in some way for not having the appropriate reverence for the circumstances my family faces? I wonder. But really, I do have respect and reverence for what we are facing. I just refuse to curl up and die over it and become bitter and hopeless and victimized.

We're going to be okay. I just know it.

4 comments:

Chrystal said...

We all need good days/weeks/months...shoot, I'd take a good year for sure!

It's good that you're feeling what you're feeling right now. It's what makes you real.

If you were all Pollyanna, all the time, I sure couldn't relate. Y'know?

Kristin said...

I feel that same way. Lots of things suck but I love my life. You have a great way of looking at the world. Keep up the good work!

Tara Marie said...

You are not crazy at all......loving life is primary in our exisistance. The rest of the stuff that goes on is just the stuff...and it is how we look at it, deal with it and embrace what we can not change.

I am a lot like you....I love life. I wake up and breathe in deeply and give thanks for that moment. Actually, I view the ability to breathe in deeply a treasured gift, as one of the last things my Mother said to me was that 'not being able to catch your breathe and breath deeply is a scary and horrible feeling'.

Right now our family is going through some unsettling things....but we map out a plan and try and figure out the best way to deal with it. In the end, I know what will be will be, but during the whole process, we have the glorious gift of living, so that is what we must do. Live it to the best of our abiity and live it to the fullest.

I'm sending you lots of cross country cyber hugs. I so wish I could come over with a loaf of banana bread and a pot of tea and sit and chat.

Carla said...

Love and embrace your life, Lisa. Your life is wonderful. Maybe not easy at the moment, but wonderful, because you are living it and loving the people in it. Cheers.