Friday, February 27, 2009

Getting to me

Michael has just completed his first week of chemo and radiation. He met with his oncologist yesterday morning after radiation to have his PICC line flushed and the dressing changed, to have blood drawn, and to have his pump refilled with meds. His bloodwork looked good (meaning his platelet count has not been negatively impacted by the chemo), and all in all he seesm to be handling the treatment well. It is almost surreal that he is undergoing chemo and radiation and yet, for the most part, still carrying on with normal activity. You think of someone with cancer, someone undergoing chemo, and you picture someone pretty incapacitated. At least I did before this. And I know that there are forms of cancer that require treatment that does incapacitate the person. So I'm very thankful that Michael is doing so well and is still able-bodied.

So why am I feeling down today? It's one of those days where I feel like if I sit still with my thoughts for more than a few minutes, I'm going to have a mini-breakdown (and I'm trying really hard not to do that).

Sometimes I still can't believe that this is happening, that my husband has cancer. And then I want to kick myself for letting myself get into a funk over it, because really, everything is going pretty smoothly, the outlook is good, etc., etc. But still. And I'm totally stressed out about money. I mean, we're good now. But he's an attorney, and the bottom line for attorneys is that they are expected to put in their billable hours. And the fact of the matter is that he's falling behind now because he's having to miss a lot of work to go in every morning for radiation plus his weekly visits with the oncologist. Then there's his surgery down the line, and there's no telling how laid up - or for how long - he'll be from that. He works for a great firm, and they've been so supportive through the whole ordeal when Finn was born (which required Michael to lose a lot of work time), and now this, and I think M and I are both assuming at this point that no matter how compassionate the partners are, they have their bottom line too. Business is business. So it's possible - likely, in fact - that he'll have to take a cut in pay, and I'm freaking out over that inside.

Blah. I'm sure he doesn't even want me blogging about that aspect of things. That's what's on my mind right now, though.

Then there's the whole issue with our downstairs which remains torn up and unresolved. The contractors submitted an estimate to repair, replace, etc., and now we're waiting . . . and waiting . . . and waiting . . . for the insurance company to give the go ahead. In the meantime, the downstairs is an ugly mess, and frankly, I'm sick to death of it.

Sigh. Maybe it's PMS getting to me.


Jodi said...

Oh, Lisa...please give yourself a huge break. "It might be PMS" -- It might be life. You're probably not sleeping great, even if all the kids are letting you sleep through the night (which, really - what are the odds of that!) which is going to fray your nerves. Then you've got contractors, insurance company, and a torn up downstairs. Those two things along are enough to make anyone frazzled. Let's see...anything else that might make you stressed? Oh, right - your husband's got cancer and is going through chemo/radiation with a surgery off in the future. You need to be strong for the family and for him. ...and that's on top of regular life. If this was happening to any one of your friends, you'd give them a lot more understanding than you seem to be giving yourself. I'd need my own PICC line of chocolate or wine (maybe both).

Larry said...

I whole-heartedly second Jodi's post - we all have funk days and lots of times for no reason at all and you do have real reasons to have low moments and you need to allow yourself to have them. You are not being weak or self-pitying - just human. Hang in there...And I REALLY love that idea of a PICC line for wine/chocolate :) L

Liz said...

Ditto Jodi. It might be life. Things are stressful and you are totally allowed to bug out about it.

Cheryl said...

Lisa: I have been reading your blog for a while (found it through Khourt's blog) are dealing with a lot, and, you know, that is the main thing you should congratulate yourself on: you are dealing with it all. My mom always used to say "first, you deal". Kudos to you brave lady! Positive energies to both you and your husband. Wine and chocolate, too.

nezza said...

Yep - give yourself a break. If there's one person I know at the moment who deserves to let off a bit of steam and scream and shout and rant and just generally let it all out- it's you!

I may not comment much, but I'm following both your blogs, and you're often in my thoughts over all this.

*sends a hug*