Friday, February 19, 2010

Contemplative


It's been a quiet week here on the ol' blog. In real life, things are busier than ever with the kids in piano lessons, drum lessons, dance, and now baseball - on top of the ever-present homework. Still, I've been in a contemplative frame of mind. Pondering. Reflecting. Evaluating relationships. Wondering where we go from here.

I'm reading this book, Between Me and the River, by Carrie Host. I'll review it on Book Lust when I finish it, but I'll just say here that it's a memoir about the author's experience with a rare and incurable form of cancer.

A line in the book stood out to me when I read it the other night:

"It is getting to be a lot of work to hurry up and get through all of this so that you can get back to all of that."

I know I spent the bulk of 2009 wishing the year away. Never in my life had I ever before wanted so desperately for time to go by quickly so that we could get to the other side of Michael's cancer. And now, here we are, on the other side. And the big question is: What now?
Because in many ways, that old life that I wanted so urgently to get back to doesn't exist anymore. We are changed. Grateful, exhausted, wary, and scarred. The healing continues, and I am finding that it may be a life-long process. It's somewhat of a struggle trying to figure out what it all means: what wisdom can we take away from that horrendous experience? What truly matters the most in life, and how can it be honored? Where do we go from here?

And as I ponder all this, I'm trying to be a better person. A better friend, wife, and mother. I'm making an effort to make sure the people I love know how important they are to me. I'm trying to take deep breaths before I yell, and to give more hugs and kisses. I'm trying to improve the quality of the time I spend with my kids - baking cookies, playing games, going to the park. I'm trying to be present, because life is short.

4 comments:

Angie said...

brillant post (as usual) Lisa
(((big hugs))) you always expand my mind to question more of my own thoughts.... in a good way :) xoxoxo

Esther and Brian said...

thanks for sharing, Lisa. I often times find myself talking to myself about these things, too. Or similar things, I should say. Like maybe I should be more patient with the boys as they are just 17 months old, maybe I should not have done the laundry and instead be with them. I need to be a better person, mother and wife- I know that. Again, thanks for sharing...you are not along, even if our life situations are different...

Atlantic Writer said...

This is the ultimate struggle of motherhood isn't it? To get through the day but to be in the moment as well. Cancer is a terrible journey which I, too, am navigating, though in a different way. I am learning that it's okay to give yourself time and it's okay to have a bad day. Just be in the moment when you can and take a moment for yourself when you need it.

Samantha said...

Just found your blog, and I love it! Your kids are so adorable! I just had my first 4 months ago..I admire you so much for being a mom of 4!!!