Stressed

Uncle! No, really, I've had enough! I don't think I can take anymore.

Joey is having issues. I touched on this in a recent post. He's acting out (I think that's the modern term for acting bratty), and it's become worrisome. Michael and I both realize that he needs some extra TLC, so we've been trying to give him that. Of course I want to make sure he feels loved and valued and safe. We actually had a really nice weekend which included lots of special time for Joey (but not to the exclusion of the other kids; it's a juggling act, let me tell you). And really he seemed more relaxed and happier (and more pleasant to be around) the last few days. This morning, however, he got out of bed in a bad mood. I tried to talk to him and find out what was bothering him, and all I could get out of him was that his best friend, a little girl named Lexi, was mean to him at school yesterday. But see, I'm not buying it. Lexi was out sick for over a week with pneumonia and yesterday was her first day back at school, and yesterday after school Joey was brimming over with happiness that she was back because he had missed her so. If she was mean to him (and she's such a sweet thing, I just can't see her being mean), why didn't he say anything yesterday? I concluded that he was grasping onto something concrete, something that made sense to him (even if it was only imaginary) because he is unable to understand and/or articulate what's really bothering him. In the spirit of good parenting (whatever that is) and communication, I sent a quick email off to his teacher this morning to give her a heads up that he was in a bad mood. She's been concerned about him too, so we've been trying to communicate.

She and I exchanged several emails throughout the day. Joey told her that he was in a bad mood because he was tired because his brother wouldn't let him sleep. I didn't think this was true either, because Joey went to bed about two hours before Kevin did last night, as Kevin was up late doing homework. I told her that I really think that what's at the bottom of all this is that Joey is scared about his dad. She mentioned that the school psychologist was on campus today, and would I like him to talk to Joey? Hmmmm. I was torn. I don't want to make a bigger deal out of this than it is, and I worried that having Joey sit down with a stranger and answer questions might be upsetting to him. However, Michael and I talked briefly and decided to give the go ahead.

Joey apparently enjoyed talking to the psychologist (phew!). What I got from Joey is that the doc asked him about his family, and specifically his dad, and Joey told him that his dad has cancer, that he's having chemo, that he has to have surgery, and that he'll have more chemo, and that he won't get the tube out of his arm until around Thanksgiving. I asked Joey, "When you think about Daddy having cancer, how does it make you feel?" He said, "Well, it worries me that he's going to end up with a BIG problem. And I'm afraid that I'm going to get cancer."

Ahhhhh, I just wrapped my arms around him and tried not to cry. Poor kid.

He asked me if everyone gets cancer, and I told him no, only some people.

His teacher talked to the psychologist after school and sent me this:

Dr V says that making things up is a pretty typical way for children to cope with stress. The problem is that Joey is very bright and he picks up on things that would go over the heads of most first graders. Dr. V says he needs to be more sheltered from the health issues. It's not that you are not paying enough attention it's that Joey is old for his age intellectually but not emotionally. He doesn't know what to do with these feelings. Then he said something about not being able to separate reality from fantasy at this age and that's why they make things up but he totally lost me at that point. All I heard was Blah blah blah lol. He said family therapy is always good when your family is going through a crisis. Maybe you could talk to the social worker where Michael is getting Chemo. They usually have resources available and good advice about dealing with kids and illness.

So. I honestly don't know what to say about sheltering him more from the health issues. We don't sit around and discuss M's cancer and treatment in front of the kids, but they (mostly Joey) ask questions. In the beginning, we gave them all just the very basic facts: Daddy has a sickness called cancer; he's going to get medicine for a long time that will help him get better. It's hard to shelter kids from a fucking tube hanging out of their dad's arm for months on end. I've always been a firm believer in honesty with kids, but not giving them more information than they can deal with (and that, my friends, is a difficult balancing act sometimes). So when Joey asks questions, we try to be honest with him but not overwhelm him with information. He knows M is going to have surgery soon - how could we shelter him from that? I really don't see how we can.

Out of all the kids, Joey is the one who is taking this all the hardest. Not surprising, really, given that he's always been a Daddy's boy, he's extremely bright and perceptive, and he's extremely sensitive. So his issues lately boil down to stress, and I suspect his sleep troubles have way more to do with the stress he's feeling than anything Kevin is doing. And we all know what lack of sleep can do to an already stressed person (just ask moi).

And it turns out that not only is Joey stressed out and worried about his dad, he's also worried about Finn. He's scared that Finn is going to have to have surgery again (he actually is scheduled to have tubes put in his ears in a couple weeks, which is a minor procedure, but I doubt Joey sees it that way). This came out at dinner time tonight.

So now we have to figure out if all this calls for some counseling. Do we make that big a deal out of it? I mean, would taking him to a counselor make it an even bigger deal than it already is? On the other hand, if we don't, what repercussions might that have?

This is another aspect that all along I've just stupidly assumed would go away when Michael's cancer goes away. When he's all finished with treatment at the end of this year, we can all go back to normal - us, the kids, all of us. But of course I'm seeing now that none of us is ever going to be the same again. And I worry so much about Joey now. Is this whole thing going to scar him for life? Will he carry this heavy load of stress and worry around as just part of his makeup for the rest of his life? Is that just another casualty of all this?

As for me, I'm a stress case too these days. And getting by on very little sleep. I'm full of worry - over everyone, Michael, the kids. I feel anxious much of the time. Am I depressed? I don't know. Overwhelmed? Yes. The crying jags are certainly coming on more frequently.

This is cancer. These are some of the many ways in which cancer fucks with a family.