Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Excuse me while I hork up the contents of my head.

I'm having that on-the-verge-of-falling-apart-feeling again (isn't it interesting how it goes in cycles? And no, it's not related to PMS, thank you very much). Michael's feeling the effects from the chemo - and even if he weren't, just the fact that he's got cancer is huge and unsettling. The baby is sick again. I am forever running hither and yon to the pediatrician or some specialist. I can't remember the last time I got a good night's sleep (it's literally been months). Michael and I are trying to figure out how we can rearrange our lives to enable the bills to get paid and for him to keep his job while still somehow taking the time to deal with the cancer and the treatment and get well. In short, it's all getting to be a bit much. I feel overwhelmed, run ragged, on the edge. I feel like I might start crying and never stop.

He asked me today what I need. Which was really sweet, and I'm grateful that I have a husband who has my back. But what I need right now is the impossible: I need for nobody in my family to be sick. I need a vacation. I need someone to take care of me.

And in all ugly honesty, this is all making me feel very bitchy and bitter about people who complain about how overwhelmed they are with so much less to deal with than what's going on here in our house. Not fair, I know, but there it is.

I actually find that I am having a lot of issues over my mother, though we have no contact and haven't for years. I think about how as long as I knew her, she was always the victim in her own mind, how she wasted her whole life crying to whomever would listen (and plenty of people who didn't want to, I'm sure) about how awful she had it, when I would say that the vast majority of her problems have always been the result of really bad choices on her part. But more than that, I've been thinking a lot lately about how she spent my whole growing up, and into my adulthood, trying to force me to avail myself to the wisdom of her vast life experience. Yeah, Mother, you have no fucking idea what hard is. I know what hard is, and I'm still standing. Even if I fall apart every now and again.

8 comments:

Larry said...

Hey Lisa, it's ok to feel everything you feel - you are going through more than anyone can imagine and bitterness is bound to well up now and again. Is there any possible chance of getting someone or two people to give you and Michael a 24 hour respit? Like come over at noon on a Saturday and let you two go away somewhere local like Newport or laguna for the afternoon, dinner alone, a sleep over in a hotel for a good night's sleep with breakfast leisurely on Sunday before returning home around noon? It would make a world of difference I think...I am certainly willing to help with the kids for a block of hours either such day, just can't swing the overnight portion...let me know. Lisa

The Beers Family said...

HUGS

Tricia said...

In all honesty, I look at my life and all the complaining I've been doing when I read your blog and I think "shape up, Tricia!"

I can't imagine what it must be like for you and I am so sorry you have so much to deal with.

Jen said...

Hugs to you, Lisa. You deserve a break. You NEED a break. I wish I could come over and play with your kids and give Finn his medicine and do some laundry and make you muffins, while you take a big fat nap. But who am I kidding? I can't manage all of that stuff with just three kids. Plus, there's that silly 3,000-mile thing.

If I didn't think it before, I think it now. You are Superwoman. But even Superwoman needs a day off. I hope you get one soon.

Good health, good vibes, and sweet dreams to all of you. Keep hangin' tough. You can do this! One foot in front of the other...

Hector and Jennifer Varanini Sanchez said...

Here is a GIANT hug to you. If you can, try and take an afternoon off and do whatever you need to recharge....a pedicure, a fancy cocktail, a good chick flick...hang in there. You are amazing.

Lovin Mama said...

I hope things get better soon. Your blog definitely helps me keep my perspective. Sending healing vibes your way...

Jodi said...

I agree with everything that's been said - especially Lisa's suggestion of a night away! There's a reason torture involves sleep deprivation - it's awful and makes everything else you're dealing with that much harder.

Kim said...

Hugs, Lisa. I hope you're able to get a break. Even just an hour or two to do something only for yourself. I wish I could come and help. You're amazing and I don't think I could do what you do for even one day, let alone on little sleep with so much emotional stress on top of the daily to-do list. You're strong and you'll get through this, but in the middle of everything I hope you'll be able to find some sort of reprieve.