Tuesday, May 5, 2009

More mental purging

It's amazing how a few kind words can bring on the waterworks. Thanks to everyone who left me words of encouragement, and even accolades. Blah. Really, I feel like quite the loser lately. I ain't no Superwoman, I assure you. I fail so miserably every day at being the kind of wife, mother, and woman I wish I were. I wish I were that woman who could hold it all together, roll with the punches with a smile on her face (even if her teeth were gritted), and look at it all as just character-building. But me, well, I seem to be in the midst of a pity party at the moment. It'll pass, it always does.

The thing is, this whole cancer thing - and even Finn's having Down syndrome - has robbed us of the ability to take a lot of things for granted. Which, I guess, in the big picture, is a good thing. But still, I kind of resent not being able to take certain things for granted anymore. I feel like I struggled for so much of my life to get to a place where I could finally take things like security and safety and stability for granted, and now it turns out that that was pretty short-lived. Maybe nobody is ever ever supposed to take those things for granted, maybe that's the lesson (if you believe in lessons, and I'm not sure I believe that life is about lessons).

Lisa, thank you so much for being such a dear friend and for offering to help make it possible for Michael and I to hightail it out of here for a day, but alas, something like that isn't in the cards for us for a while. Finn still nurses around the clock and doesn't take a bottle or cup, so he's stuck with me, and I with him. Which isn't so bad ;) I just wish the little bugger would let me sleep.

So anyway. We'll be okay. Like Michael said tonight as he held me tight, "We have each other." And we do. So I'm going to revel in that.

The house is quiet now. The kids are all in bed and Michael is out jamming. I long for peace and quiet all day, it seems, and when I'm finally left alone with my thoughts in a quiet house, I feel strangely sad and lonely. So maybe now is a good time to go have that cry and get it out of my system. Tomorrow's a new day.


livinglifeafter65 said...

If I haven't said this before, I'll try again - you are stronger than you think. I'm glad you have listening ears (such as your readers) who do not judge your for being human. I don't know how, and for sure don't know when, but things will get better.

Hugs and blessings!

Linda said...

I have only been following your blog for a week but I'm catching up. You have amazing strength. Sorry things are so rough for your family right now.

Hugs to you and yours!

Anna A said...

Why would you want to be "that woman who could hold it all together, roll with the punches with a smile on her face (even if her teeth were gritted), and look at it all as just character-building."? This woman sounds like some kind of an unemotional robot, stiff upper lip Victorian weirdo, who has a fetish about character-building (which is overrated anyway).

You are so much better, Lisa! We are all in awe of you and your gorgeous family. Hang on there. XO