Help

Fortunately, Michael and I have a relationship with a family therapist, and we've gotten in touch with her about Joey. We're going to see her next week - actually first without Joey, then with him. I'm thinking I could use some help in that area as well.

Sometimes - like now - I feel like I am this close to cracking apart. It goes in cycles. It all builds up, the stress, the worry, the unending giving of myself (and I don't mean that to sound melodramatic or martyr-ish), until I reach a point of breakdown, which usually presents itself with lots of tears and a temporary feeling of hopelessness and an overwhelming feeling of weariness. Then I pull myself together and am fine for a while, until it all builds up again, and the cycle continues.

Do I sound crazy? Ack, I hope not. I don't think I'm crazy (well, sometimes I question it . . .). It's interesting, though. Michael gets these free magazines sometimes from the oncologist's office - cancer magazines. Depressing, let me tell you. He brought one home a couple weeks ago and in it was an article about how spouse/caregivers cope, and it mentioned that there is a really high rate of depression among spouse/caregivers of cancer patients. Not suprising, really. The spouse often gets lost in the shuffle. Much of everyone's attention and concern and support is directed at the cancer patient, and assuming the spouse is well, the spouse is sort of taken for granted by all the players. Yep, I can relate.

I still don't know if I would characterize what I'm dealing with as depression (and I've struggled with depression throughout my life, so it's not a foreign concept to me). But I do feel overwhelmed much of the time. I feel resentful lately, of a lot of things: the kids misbehaving; Michael not feeling well much of the time; not getting the same support, concern, etc. that Michael gets because I'm not sick. I feel tired and drained almost all the time. I realize that I'm not being a good friend to a single one of my friends - I just don't have the energy to. I feel guilty over a lot of the feelings I'm having and the many ways in which I feel I'm falling short of what I should be. Sometimes my nerves are so frayed that they feel like shards of glass right under my skin. I don't want anyone to touch me or even look at me.

And I feel like my whole existence is about giving right now. Serving my family. Not that Michael is bedridden or anything, but because of his cancer and the effects of his treatment, there is a lot of pressure on me to give, give, give - meet everyone's demands (and with six kids, the demands are endless), and I'm just tired. There's no spring feeding this well, and the well is running dry.

Another pity party, huh? I'm not even going to make excuses or try to offer justification. It is what it is. I'm sure if anyone else were in my shoes, I'd be saying, "Of course you feel that way." So, of course I feel this way.