Learn-As-You-Go Parenting

'Cuz, really, that's what it is, right?

So, the latest (if you're tiring of my recent focus on Kevin and his teenage adventures, skip this, because it's another one about him): Yesterday morning I grounded Kevin for the day from computer usage for mouthing off to me, as he is apt to do more and more these days. Let me just say that we are very strict with his computer usage to begin with. He has to ask to use the computer, and he gets 30 minutes of computer time a day, which has become very precious to him with all this email shit going on. So taking away computer privileges hits him where it hurts. So he got his computer privileges taken away for the day for being disrespectful. Which, of course, he wasn't happy about.

Fast forward to later in the afternoon. I had to go run an errand and left Kevin in charge. It came to my attention that while I was gone, he got on the computer to check his email. I realized this while I was still out and my first reaction was fury. Okay, maybe not fury, but I was pretty pissed off, and ready to go home, grab him by the ear and give him a severe talking-to. He's being dishonest! He's sneaking around behind my back! This is where it all starts! These were the things going through my mind.

I took a few deep breaths and spent the next 20 minutes thinking it through. "Okay, if I go home and storm into the house and let him have it, all he's going to hear is 'Blahblahblahblahblahblahblah.' I need to come up with a better plan," I reasoned with myself.

So I decided to play it cool. Or, at least as cool as I could. And let me just say that this takes quite a bit of effort on my part, as I admittedly have a very short fuse and a loud voice. The twins' kindergarten graduation ceremony was last night (more on that later), and I decided I didn't want to put any kind of damper on that by confronting this situation with Kevin beforehand. So I went home and didn't say a word about it. I was stressed just because we were running short on time and I had to get everyone fed and dressed and out the door for the graduation. Kevin sensed something and asked me a couple times if I was mad at him (guilty conscience much?), and I just said, "No, I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" I wanted him to worry over it for a while.

So we got through the graduation, came home, got the littles to bed, and then I found Kevin sitting out on the front porch reading a book. I sat down next to him, and right away he got defensive. "What? What did I do wrong?" he asked. So transparent, that boy. I just said, "Right now, you need to be listening and not talking." He shut up. I gave him my little prepared speech that I had been rehearsing in my head all evening. It went something like this:

"You're a good kid, Kev, and I'm really proud of you. I want you to realize, though, that we give you privileges and freedom based on your showing us that you can be trusted. When you show that you can't be trusted, you lose privileges and freedom. I know you got on the computer while I was gone and checked your email-" and at this point his eyes widened and he opened his mouth, and I said, "Please don't deny it, because I'll just lose respect for you then. I know you did it. You lost computer privileges today and you went behind my back and got on the computer anyway, and you hoped that I wouldn't find out, but I did. I'm disappointed. So now, no computer or phone tomorrow. And remember, if you show that you can't be trusted, you lose privileges. If you show that you can be trusted you gain privileges and freedom. Okay?" He just nodded, without saying a word. I hugged him, and went back inside, leaving him to his book and his thoughts.

That went pretty well, I thought. And I felt pretty pleased with myself for handling it calmly and thoughtfully, if I do say so myself.

Of course, this is just the start. I have no doubt that this message of trust will have to be repeated many, many times over the next few years.

Sigh.

Mo' Money, Mo' Money, Mo' Money

Okay, where's that from?

***

I just logged on to write a post about how expensive it is to raise kids, and right there on the front page of MSN is this article: Will Kids Drag You to The Poorhouse? The timing is downright uncanny.

It's lately becoming more and more of a reality in our house, just how much kids cost. When most couples are planning a family - at least in our case (and I have to think that we are not so unusual) - they don't think far beyond the squishy baby phase, the adorable toddler phase, or maybe the precocious preschool age. It's just really difficult to fathom your little ones (especially the ones you haven't even had yet but are just dreaming about) becoming big kids with big, expensive needs and wants.

Here's what I've figured out: babies are cheap, but kids are expensive.

I've prided myself on the thousands of dollars I've saved our family by using cloth diapers on my babies and nixing formula in favor of breastfeeding for, like, forever. The biggest expenses for any of our babies, I would say, have been the two home births which our insurance did not cover and which we paid for out-of-pocket. However, under our insurance plan, hospital births come with a hefty deductible, then there are all the office co-pays, plus gas and parking for all those doctor appointments . . . so really, the difference was negligible. But I digress.

Anyway, so the babes have been fairly inexpensive. But as they get older, there are orthodontics and music lessons and sports and dance and . . . the list goes on. It runs into a lot of moolah. Last night there was an informational meeting at Kevin's school regarding the long-awaited Eighth Grade Washington DC Trip. Kevin will be an eighth grader this next school year, so the time has come. I really had nothing on which to base my ideas of what it would cost except a shot in the dark, and as it turns out, it's going to cost us roughly twice as much as I had unrealistically anticipated. No wonder they had the meeting now - they're giving us nearly a year to pay towards the trip (oh, and he'll be all the way across the country, 3,000 miles away from his parents and family, for eight days. Do you think I'm freaking out a little?)

Don't get me wrong. I'm really glad we're able to provide all these things for our kids - much of it stuff that my parents couldn't afford for me, so it makes it all that much more significant to me.

I just wonder, if people really understood the price tag their kids were going to come with, how it would impact their family planning. It must impact people - I'm sure it's a big reason why some couples decide to have only one child. I wonder if we would have had six if we had really had a grasp on financial reality with regard to raising kids.

Don't even get me started on college and weddings. I'll just say that I see nothing wrong with my kids working their way through college, and taking on some student loans. Scholarships would be nice, too. And weddings? I will be strongly encouraging my kids to elope. I'm not kidding.

Wuv, TWUE wuv . . .

Quick, where's that from? First person to correctly identify that phrase wins . . . err, my admiration :)

Anyway, speaking of wuv . . . albeit not twue wuv, but rather puppy wuv, I think I can safely say that Kevin is dealing with his first case of it.

At a district-wide concert last Friday evening in which choir and band members from all the area middle schools performed, we met, face to face, for the first time . . . duh duh DUH . . . "N" of email infamy. We were leaving after the show, descending the steps outside, when I saw a young girl out of the corner of my eye elbow her friend theatrically and gesture towards Kevin. I knew in that split second that it was the woman who would steal my son away the girl who seems to have taken a liking to my boy. I turned around, and there was C, who we know, as I've mentioned, and I said hi to both girls. I introduced myself to N, and shook her hand. I'll just say that visually, she was not at all what I was expecting. She was very friendly and by all appearances a perfectly nice kid. Sadly, Kevin couldn't/wouldn't even look at her. He stood with his back mostly to her and barely mumbled a "hello." It was awkward, and I felt bad for him. I know he was just feeling completely weird because suddenly here's this girl, in the flesh, with whom he's been exchanging all these emails, plus his mom is standing right there. A.W.K.W.A.R.D.

I did have a conversation with Kevin over the weekend, after much thought and agonizing, in which I told him that although I respect his privacy, I think it would be a good idea for me to randomly check his email from time to time, just because I know he's at a delicate age, and I know things can be said in email that might not be said face to face, and it can all get very tricky, and although he's 13, it's still my job to look out for him. He was actually more receptive to this than I thought he would be. I thought he'd be pissed off that I might check his email from time to time, but he actually seemed okay with it. Maybe on some level he feels relieved? Maybe he knows that he might not be ready for all this electronic flirting? Or maybe I'm a fool. That could be.

Anyway, long story short, they've now progressed to talking on the phone. As of yesterday.

Who knows what's going to come of this. Summer break is right around the corner. Not sure what impact that will have. I'm anticipating some . . . developments, though.

Big, big sigh.

The other morning I was getting a pedicure, and as I sat there in the chair, I listened to all these moms around me talking about their kids' upcoming high school graduation ceremonies. And I swear, it was all I could do to hold back the tears. That's going to be us and Kevin in just a few short years. My god. And then what? Then we just turn him loose in the world and trust that he'll be okay? What if we haven't done our job as his parents properly and he's not ready?

It scares me.

Sometimes I would give anything - anything - to have him back in footie pajamas, when he trusted that I had all the answers and would always be able to keep him safe.

Bullying

For anyone interested who missed the live broadcast last night, you can download a podcast of the radio segment Kevin was on in which he talked about his bullying experience at choicesradio.com. Click on the Podcasts button at the top of the home page, then look for the podcast entitled Bullying dated Friday, June 4, 2010. Kevin did a really great job being interviewed on the radio! And I think the topic is one well worth discussing.

Several people have asked what connection I have with Nicole O'Dell, the host of the program, and how it came to be that Kevin was asked to participate in her radio program. Nicole and I know each other from pregnancy.org, a site that hosts dozens of pregnancy and parenting message boards. She and I were pregnant at the same time, she with triplets (!!) and me with Finn, and we got to know each other on a message board devoted to parents of large families. Nicole, like me, is the mother of six kids. She's an amazing woman and mother who has devoted herself to helping teens through the pitfalls of growing up.

Several people have also asked me what happened to the boy who was bullying Kevin a couple years ago. As far as I know, he never was expelled, but he did disappear suddenly. His younger sister was in Joey's kindergarten class that year and she was suddenly gone from the school as well, so we assumed that the family had moved away. That kid was sort of the "ringleader" of his little group, and when he left the school, his cohorts left Kevin alone for the most part. Still, I remember feeling a lot of relief that we were moving Kevin to a different school the following school year for middle school.

On the show last night, the questions were posed: what makes bullies tick? Why do bullies bully? I'm sure there are all kinds of bully profiles. There have always been, and probably always will be people who can only feel good about themselves if they're making someone else feel bad or small. I think this often stems from a feeling of powerlessness; I think the vast majority of garden-variety childhood bullies are kids who are being mistreated themselves. They're witnessing abusive behavior at home, experiencing it themselves, and/or experiencing it elsewhere in their lives, and they turn their anger on someone they perceive as weaker than themselves in order to attain a feeling of power and control. So in that way, I think it's important to find compassion for childhood bullies. In fact, I've always told my kids that if someone is mean to them, it's important to try extra hard to be nice to that kid because chances are, someone is being mean to them. That said, of course nobody should ever have to tolerate being harassed, pushed around, tormented, and certainly not being beat up. So it's important that kids have trusted adults they can go to with these problems, and it's important that the adults intervene.

But of course the most important thing we, as parents, can do is take a preventative stance by teaching kindness, compassion, and empathy to our kids by example. Telling your kids not to pick on other kids, I think, doesn't go nearly as far as showing them by example how good kindness feels.

Heads Up

Kevin has been asked to be interviewed on the radio! The topic is bullying, which has (finally) become a hot topic that people actually want to do something about, thanks to the sad case of Phoebe Prince. Kevin was involved in a pretty serious bullying situation a couple years ago at school. Here is what I wrote on my (old) blog on Feb. 14, 2008:

"There's also this bullying situation at school with Kevin. He's been the target of a group of bullies for several months now. One of the kids punched him in the side of the head a couple months back and some of the kids who witnessed it thought Kevin may have been unconscious for a few seconds. (He's not sure, he just remembers being dazed.) That kid was supposedly dealt some sort of consequence, but whatever it was, it's confidential. He's left Kevin alone since then (except for chasing after him that same day after school), but another kid in this little gang has continued to verbally harass Kevin, calling him names, threatening him, using all kinds of obscene language towards him, and now it's escalated to the point that this kid made a comic strip depicting himself KILLING Kevin, and he brought it to school and showed it to Kevin. I have been on the phone repeatedly with the principal and have come to the conclusion that he is absolutely useless. All he ever says is "I'll look into the situation and talk to both boys." Blah Blah Blah. Look where talking has gotten us! I called him again yesterday after this comic strip incident and told him, "Something needs to be done about this kid. He's obviously got violent tendencies. Something really bad is going to happen and everyone is going to look back and say, 'Yeah, there were signs . . .' I think this kid should be expelled." You know what the principal's response was? He chuckled and said "Well, now, I can't do that." WHAT?? What the hell can he do then? So, on several other parents' advice, I called the police department and asked them what could be done, and they said that at the elementary school level, matters like this have to be taken up with the principal! The police won't get involved until/unless the kid actually commits a crime. So, let's get this straight: I have a principal who can't or won't seem to do anything to ensure my son's safety at his school, and the police won't get involved until this kid actually HARMS my son. That's just effing great!"

The radio station he is being interviewed on is not local; however, if you're interested, you can listen to the interview live tomorrow, June 3 here:

People can listen live at www.choicesradio.com or they can listen to the podcast later--it'll be available at that same link. OR, they can subscribe to the show podcasts on iTunes at:

http://itunes.apple.com/podcast/teen-talk-radio/id372833535

Kevin is expected to go on the air between 10:15 - 10:30 p.m. EST.

A Social Experiment

A fellow mom from school and I have been engaged in a dialogue about our opposing beliefs with regard to God, Jesus, religion, and the like. We have now made a deal: I have agreed to read The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel, and she has agreed to read The New Atheism by Victor Stenger. We swapped books at school today when we were both there picking up our girls. Fortunately, we were both laughing; I was worried that it might be an uncomfortable exchange, but so far I think we're both pretty good sports about the whole thing.

Can a devout Christian and an ardent Atheist find common ground and even forge a friendship?

Stay tuned.

Yes, I actually WOULD like a medal.

So how was your weekend? You know, the loooong holiday weekend we just had? Yeah, that one. Did you enjoy a picnic? A barbecue? Perhaps you got away for a couple of days. Me? I was home with all the kids. By. Myself. For three days, and three nights. Michael got on a plane and flew 3,000 miles away, abandoning me went to Florida to visit family.

Okay, it wasn't so bad. Wait, what am I saying? Yeah, it was bad. Or at least moments of it were bad. I mean, really, the ebb and flow of chaos was no different than any other weekend, it's just that I HAD NO BACKUP.

Anyway.

I did accomplish quite a bit. I went for a walk, took the twins to the dentist, colored my hair (shhhh!!), cleaned bathrooms, did laundry, steamed cleaned carpet (have I mentioned that I clean when I'm stressed?), mopped floors, unplugged a toilet clogged with about a half a roll of toilet paper, dealt with a choking incident, sat outside and ate ice cream sandwiches with the kids, went grocery shopping, and took the kids to the park.

So where's my medal?