Battening Down the Hatches

There's a storm brewing over here, and we've had a few squalls lately. I'm bracing myself for worse to come.

I'm talking about the fact that I have a teenager on my hands. And I'm here to tell you that teenage girls don't have a monopoly on PMS. Holy shit.

Okay, I don't want to overstate things and make Kevin out to be a problem kid. He's not. He's actually a really great kid in all the ways that count: he's loving and protective of his siblings, he's pretty responsible and is learning a good work ethic, he's a good student, and his values seem to be in place. But his moods? Oh. My. God.

You'd never know it today, because today he's just as pleasant and sociable as can be. But yesterday was awful. I was fighting the urge to throttle him for most of the day. All day he was mopey and sulky and snotty and just looking for an opportunity to have a problem with every little thing. Just walking around with a big stinkin' attitude, making everyone miserable. And it all finally came to a head last night around dinner time and he and I ended up in a screaming match that called up memories of screaming matches I had with my own mother as a teenager. I was never going to be that kind of parent, but there I was, screaming at him to "Get the FUCK in your room!" and him screaming back at me, "I HATE YOU!!"

Ugly. I hate it. Not that he said he hates me - really, I kind of laugh that off. It's textbook, right? He's supposed to say that. And I know he doesn't really hate me - well, maybe in the moment he does, but that's okay. What I hate is that I lost my temper, that he got the best of me, that I exposed my white-trash roots, that I lowered myself to responding in such a completely emotional and non-productive manner. What I hate is the attitude he exhibits more and more lately, and the fact that I have no idea how to deal with it.

My biggest fear is him coming to the conclusion that we're the enemy - Michael and I (he and his dad butt heads plenty, and that opens a whole other can of worms for me). But what do I do? Ignore the bad behavior, and focus on the positive behavior? While I can see that working for younger kids, at almost 14, Kevin seems beyond those kinds of simplistic parenting techniques. Or maybe I'm wrong. Or do I call him out on every wrong move he makes? I know I'm hard on him, I know I expect a lot from him. Am I being unfair in my expectations? Another fear I have is not staying on top of my kids' behavior and losing control of them. Maybe I go overboard?

But what is really unsettling for me is that I just don't know. I don't have the answers. I'm totally winging it here. I went into this whole parenting gig with one main goal: to not be the kind of parent my parents were. Although I am now able to sympathize with a lot of things my mother, in particular, dealt with as a mother, I still see so many wrong turns and bad choices she made that I am determined not to replicate. And yet, to some extent, I'm at a loss as to what to do.

After some cooling-off time last night, I forced myself to go talk calmly with Kevin, because it's important. I told him that I know it's tough being 13, that I remember being 13 and sometimes being in a rotten mood and not even understanding why, and sometimes feeling angry and not even being sure at what or whom. And I apologized for screaming at him, and for what I screamed at him - even though, in all honesty, I didn't feel like apologizing, because he really pissed me off - because I think it's important to model humility. I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything that might be on his mind, and I got a few grunts in response. That's okay. I'm pretty sure he was listening.

Ack. This parenting thing. Not easy.

Coed

Kevin is going to N's house today. He was invited to go and hang out at her house with a group of other kids; she apparently has a pool at her house, so they're going to swim and eat pizza. This is not how I had envisioned it. What I had envisioned was that when they finally made concrete plans to hang out, it would be on my turf, where I could keep a good, close eye on things. So I was caught rather off guard yesterday when Kevin asked if he could go to her house. I told him I wanted to talk to her mother before I made a decision, so within a few minutes I was on the phone with N's mother.

She was on a cell phone standing, with N, in line at Disneyland. She introduced herself and I introduced myself, I told her I've been wanting to chat with her and wondered if now was a good time for a candid conversation. It is, she said. So I told her, "I don't know if you're aware of it, but Kevin and N seem to be pretty infatuated with each other." I told her that, although Kevin doesn't know it, I've been reading the emails that pass between him and N, and they're a little on the flirtatious side. She was not aware of this. She said that she's thought about checking up on her daughter's email, but just hadn't. "You beat me to it," is what she said. I assured her that it's nothing bad, and that Kevin is a good kid and N seems like a very sweet girl, but that my concern is that they're at a tricky age: too old for playdates, and not old enough to date, and they're both obviously developing an interest in the opposite sex. I told her that I'm very strict parent and that I keep pretty close tabs on Kevin. She said that she does monitor N's texting, and that she knows N has been wanting to call Kevin on the phone every day and she's told her "No, you're not going to be calling some boy every day." (However, N is in fact calling Kevin every day . . .) Anyway, she assured me that she's a very conscientious parent, too. I told her that I wasn't telling her any of this to get N into trouble, but just that I wanted to make sure that as parents, we're on the same page if our kids are going to be spending time together. I haven't forgotten being thirteen myself, and by that age I was already up to plenty of no good. That's what scares me and what motivates me to keep such close tabs on Kevin.

All in all, the call was very pleasant, and she said that she appreciated that we had an open conversation about what's going on between her daughter and my son. I wonder in hindsight if she now sees me as some high-strung, busy-body mom. On the other hand, it's really not about what another parent thinks of me, it's about looking after my kid and what he's doing. I'd rather be in his business too much at this point than not enough.

So after making sure that there will be adult supervision and a group of kids (and not just the two of them), I gave Kevin the green light to go. I did tell him that since he's going to her house, he's going to have to actually look at her and talk to her though ;)

Learn-As-You-Go Parenting

'Cuz, really, that's what it is, right?

So, the latest (if you're tiring of my recent focus on Kevin and his teenage adventures, skip this, because it's another one about him): Yesterday morning I grounded Kevin for the day from computer usage for mouthing off to me, as he is apt to do more and more these days. Let me just say that we are very strict with his computer usage to begin with. He has to ask to use the computer, and he gets 30 minutes of computer time a day, which has become very precious to him with all this email shit going on. So taking away computer privileges hits him where it hurts. So he got his computer privileges taken away for the day for being disrespectful. Which, of course, he wasn't happy about.

Fast forward to later in the afternoon. I had to go run an errand and left Kevin in charge. It came to my attention that while I was gone, he got on the computer to check his email. I realized this while I was still out and my first reaction was fury. Okay, maybe not fury, but I was pretty pissed off, and ready to go home, grab him by the ear and give him a severe talking-to. He's being dishonest! He's sneaking around behind my back! This is where it all starts! These were the things going through my mind.

I took a few deep breaths and spent the next 20 minutes thinking it through. "Okay, if I go home and storm into the house and let him have it, all he's going to hear is 'Blahblahblahblahblahblahblah.' I need to come up with a better plan," I reasoned with myself.

So I decided to play it cool. Or, at least as cool as I could. And let me just say that this takes quite a bit of effort on my part, as I admittedly have a very short fuse and a loud voice. The twins' kindergarten graduation ceremony was last night (more on that later), and I decided I didn't want to put any kind of damper on that by confronting this situation with Kevin beforehand. So I went home and didn't say a word about it. I was stressed just because we were running short on time and I had to get everyone fed and dressed and out the door for the graduation. Kevin sensed something and asked me a couple times if I was mad at him (guilty conscience much?), and I just said, "No, I'm not mad. Why would I be mad?" I wanted him to worry over it for a while.

So we got through the graduation, came home, got the littles to bed, and then I found Kevin sitting out on the front porch reading a book. I sat down next to him, and right away he got defensive. "What? What did I do wrong?" he asked. So transparent, that boy. I just said, "Right now, you need to be listening and not talking." He shut up. I gave him my little prepared speech that I had been rehearsing in my head all evening. It went something like this:

"You're a good kid, Kev, and I'm really proud of you. I want you to realize, though, that we give you privileges and freedom based on your showing us that you can be trusted. When you show that you can't be trusted, you lose privileges and freedom. I know you got on the computer while I was gone and checked your email-" and at this point his eyes widened and he opened his mouth, and I said, "Please don't deny it, because I'll just lose respect for you then. I know you did it. You lost computer privileges today and you went behind my back and got on the computer anyway, and you hoped that I wouldn't find out, but I did. I'm disappointed. So now, no computer or phone tomorrow. And remember, if you show that you can't be trusted, you lose privileges. If you show that you can be trusted you gain privileges and freedom. Okay?" He just nodded, without saying a word. I hugged him, and went back inside, leaving him to his book and his thoughts.

That went pretty well, I thought. And I felt pretty pleased with myself for handling it calmly and thoughtfully, if I do say so myself.

Of course, this is just the start. I have no doubt that this message of trust will have to be repeated many, many times over the next few years.

Sigh.

Wuv, TWUE wuv . . .

Quick, where's that from? First person to correctly identify that phrase wins . . . err, my admiration :)

Anyway, speaking of wuv . . . albeit not twue wuv, but rather puppy wuv, I think I can safely say that Kevin is dealing with his first case of it.

At a district-wide concert last Friday evening in which choir and band members from all the area middle schools performed, we met, face to face, for the first time . . . duh duh DUH . . . "N" of email infamy. We were leaving after the show, descending the steps outside, when I saw a young girl out of the corner of my eye elbow her friend theatrically and gesture towards Kevin. I knew in that split second that it was the woman who would steal my son away the girl who seems to have taken a liking to my boy. I turned around, and there was C, who we know, as I've mentioned, and I said hi to both girls. I introduced myself to N, and shook her hand. I'll just say that visually, she was not at all what I was expecting. She was very friendly and by all appearances a perfectly nice kid. Sadly, Kevin couldn't/wouldn't even look at her. He stood with his back mostly to her and barely mumbled a "hello." It was awkward, and I felt bad for him. I know he was just feeling completely weird because suddenly here's this girl, in the flesh, with whom he's been exchanging all these emails, plus his mom is standing right there. A.W.K.W.A.R.D.

I did have a conversation with Kevin over the weekend, after much thought and agonizing, in which I told him that although I respect his privacy, I think it would be a good idea for me to randomly check his email from time to time, just because I know he's at a delicate age, and I know things can be said in email that might not be said face to face, and it can all get very tricky, and although he's 13, it's still my job to look out for him. He was actually more receptive to this than I thought he would be. I thought he'd be pissed off that I might check his email from time to time, but he actually seemed okay with it. Maybe on some level he feels relieved? Maybe he knows that he might not be ready for all this electronic flirting? Or maybe I'm a fool. That could be.

Anyway, long story short, they've now progressed to talking on the phone. As of yesterday.

Who knows what's going to come of this. Summer break is right around the corner. Not sure what impact that will have. I'm anticipating some . . . developments, though.

Big, big sigh.

The other morning I was getting a pedicure, and as I sat there in the chair, I listened to all these moms around me talking about their kids' upcoming high school graduation ceremonies. And I swear, it was all I could do to hold back the tears. That's going to be us and Kevin in just a few short years. My god. And then what? Then we just turn him loose in the world and trust that he'll be okay? What if we haven't done our job as his parents properly and he's not ready?

It scares me.

Sometimes I would give anything - anything - to have him back in footie pajamas, when he trusted that I had all the answers and would always be able to keep him safe.

Thirteen

Word on the street is that two seventh graders at Kevin's school had sex in the restroom at school during school hours recently, and got caught. This is not idle gossip - it happened. The details are fuzzy (i.e., how they got caught, etc.). But the police were involved, and from what I hear, the two kids involved have been removed to different schools now.

Hell's Bells. Seventh grade. Thirteen years old. Kevin is a thirteen year-old in seventh grade.

So this prompted a conversation with him this afternoon. I first asked him if he knew anything about this incident. Yes, he had heard rumors. Yes, he knows of the two kids involved, though he's not friends with either of them. I laid it straight out for him: "The fact is, Kevin, kids your age are having sex. And maybe you're not thinking about it now, but there will come a time eventually when you'll start seeing girls in a whole new light, and you will be thinking about sex. It's a really, really big deal. It's a huge responsibility. I want you to respect yourself enough to believe that it's sacred, and that it should only be shared with someone you really care about, and who cares about you. There can be really big consequences for engaging in irresponsible behavior like what those two kids did." And I told him how when I was in junior high school, a classmate of mine got pregnant and dropped out of school when she was 14 (true story). And another girl in high school dropped out to have a baby. And I told him "Making a bad choice like that can have a really big and really bad impact on the rest of your life. You can catch a disease, too." He said, "Yeah, I know, Mom. It's called AIDS." "AIDS is only the worst disease you can get. There are lots of other diseases you can get as well."

Am I trying to scare him? Yeah, I guess a little. Mostly I'm just really trying to impress upon him what a big, big deal this is. It's not something to be taken lightly. He was very uncomfortable and fidgety during the conversation. I did pretty much all the talking (and believe me, it's not the most comfortable topic for me to talk about with my adolescent son, either). I also tried to impart to him that his dad and I are always here to talk if he's got things on his mind.

But I'll tell you, this kid just does not open up. It's like pulling teeth to get anything out of him as far as what he's feeling.

There are lots of emails going back and forth between him and those two girls. Several every day. I'm not digging it. And I've found myself getting very caught up in it all, about what they say to Kevin and how he responds. The one girl, C, the one Kev's known since third grade, has reiterated to him that "Dang, your parents are Strict, with a capital S :(" I'm trying to figure out why this is bothering me so much. It doesn't bother me that she sees us as strict, but I get a sense that she's kind of disrespecting us. Which I suppose is typical behavior for a thirteen year-old. It feels like we're treading a bit on Peer Pressure territory . . . like she's trying to get him to see that his parents are too strict, perhaps? I sense a suggestion from her that he shouldn't be too happy about it. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

The other girl, N, the one who Kevin has never met face to face, she's definitely flirting with him and pursuing him. Little chippy. And he appears to be enjoying the attention. Perhaps, just like with adults, it's easier to say things and behave a certain way behind the shield of a computer screen than in person, but I still find myself not liking these email exchanges between them. There has been nothing overtly inappropriate, but where is this flirting leading to? I'm concerned. And now watchful. She wants his cell phone number now. So I'm on the edge of my seat waiting to see how he's going to handle that one. Because the rule is that he isn't supposed to give his cell phone number out to anyone, because his cell phone isn't for socializing - it's to keep in touch with us when he's away from home, period. So what's he going to do? Tell her that he's not allowed to give out his cell phone number and risk being seen as a square? Or break the rule we've made and give her his number? I almost feel bad for him, being in that spot. But this is only the beginning as far as peer pressure and making choices go. They also keep talking about meeting at the schoolyard over some weekend to talk about their "band." In the past, I have had no problem with Kevin meeting a friend at the schoolyard to hang out, but I can say for sure that he will not be meeting members of the opposite sex without adult supervision. Not at this age. They (generally) are clearly on the cusp of developing decidedly unchildlike feelings. I'd like to meet this girl face to face, let her see my face. I'd like to meet her parents and impart to them that their daughter is sending flirty emails to a boy she's never met. Because I would want to know if my thirteen year-old daughter was doing this.

Ahhhh. Honestly? I feel like my heart is breaking a little. I feel like I'm losing my boy. I mean, I know I'm really not - not yet. He's still here, he still needs his mom, he still needs hugs from me and for me to tuck him in every night. But he's growing up. He's got secret feelings and a whole other life outside of this house and this family that has nothing at all to do with me. It's very painful, this gradual separation. He's taking a piece of my heart with him as he slowly grows away from me.

And I have no idea at all if I'm doing this parenting thing the right way.

Angst

Apparently, we have a reputation for being "strict" parents among some of Kevin's friends.

Okay, I confess: I've been peeking at his email from time to time, even though I said I wasn't going to read them anymore. They come through on my iPhone. I don't read every single one word for word anymore, most of them I ignore, but I've reserved the right to periodically skim.

I digress.

At first when I read it in an email from this girl who Kevin has been emailing back and forth with (more on that in a minute), to wit:

"I heard from c---- that ur parents are really stricked thats too bad :("

. . . I was a little taken aback and a tiny tad offended. But just for a split second. Okay, so we're strict! Yes, we have clear rules and boundaries for our kids. That's a good thing! And I think it's better to be known as "the strict parents" among one's teenage children's friends than "the cool parents."

Anyway. So this girl. No idea who she is. Never met her. In fact, Kevin's never met her. She's a friend of a friend (another girl) whom Kevin has known since the third grade. All three of them are seventh graders now, although Kevin does not attend the same school that the two girls attend. Kevin lost touch with the one girl for a while and has recently been back in touch with her. She suggested to Kevin that they form a BAND. (I am trying not to snicker here.) It's true that Kevin has been taking drum lessons for several months, and he's actually getting pretty good at it. The girl, C, has envisioned herself in the role of guitarist for said band, despite the fact that she neither owns a guitar nor has ever taken any lessons. Okay. Anyway, so she's got this friend (the serial e-mailer mentioned above), N, who is in choir at school and so, naturally, will be the singer of the band. So the three of them have been emailing each other about this band they've (not) formed. But I have to say that N, the girl I've never met, seems to be rather forward. She seems very eager to meet Kevin and "hang out." She apparently can't wait to sing a duet with him. "LOL." She seems rather flirty in her emails. And I wonder: do her parents know? Do they know that she's sending rather forward, flirty emails to some strange 13-year old boy she's never met? Because if it were me? I'd have a big problem with that. Huge.

This is all new parenting territory for us. Kevin and C have known each other for a number of years, and up until they were 11 and even 12, they still had "playdates" once in a while, which consisted of Kevin going to C's house and playing video games and such. He's clearly beyond the age of playdates now. He's still innocent. And I'm not just saying that. He's what I think will end up being something of a later bloomer. He's grown taller over the last year, but he's still a boy. I think at this point he still views girls very platonically and might be a little scared of them even. But the winds of change are a blowin'. I'm not naive. One of these days, the lightbulb is going to flash on over his head and he's going to see girls in a whole 'nuther light, my friends. And the thing is, girls tend to "get there" often before boys do, and this girl seems to have gotten there - meaning she's flirting, she's interested, she's pursuing. Which makes me downright nervous.

So we're trying to keep the lines of communication open with him. I've asked him innocently, "So, I notice you like to check your email a lot these days. Who are you emailing?" And he did mention several friends, including this girl, N. And Michael had a talk with him the other day, you know, man to man, about girls being forward and guys having to be careful and never taking advantage, etc., etc.

And of course Kevin was horrified to be having such a discussion.

Oy.

***

And then, today, Kev received news that his grandpa has cancer. His grandma told him on the phone. When he got off the phone, he told me, "Grandpa has cancer." His face looked . . . held together is the best way I can describe it. He walked away. At first I was going to let him, but I followed him into his room and asked him if he wanted to talk about it. "No, I'm fine Mom." I asked him if he was scared or sad or had any questions. "No, Mom." Here's the thing about Kevin: he talks A LOT, but he doesn't open up much. It's hard getting things out of him that deal with feelings. He said, "Well, we just went through cancer with Dad last year, so I'm not really scared about Grandpa." But the thing is, his grandpa is 80, and apparently he's got liver cancer. I have no idea what his prognosis is, but it doesn't sound too promising to me. And I don't really know what I should be doing as Kevin's mom here. Let him hang onto his optimism, or prepare him for a possible sad outcome? I don't know.

I worry. Kevin's already dealt with plenty of death. Both my dad (his "Papa Joe") and his first dad died within six months of each other. Kevin was really little then and doesn't remember it, but it's impacted him nonetheless. And yes, we went through the terrible cancer journey with Michael last year. And now his grandpa has cancer. I don't want to shelter Kevin (or any of the kids) from the realities of life - death being one of them - but I also don't want Kevin to have a sense that people he loves are transient.

He didn't want to talk about it much. But he sort of shadowed me for the rest of the evening, making small talk, giving furtive hugs, keeping that invisible string connecting us. I know it's his way of seeking comfort and reassurance. It's his way of saying, "I need you, Mom," without actually saying the words.

Ahhhh . . . it never gets easier, does it?

Teen Privacy

Thanks to everyone who offered their input on my teen privacy dilemma recently, and to those who participated in my poll on this topic. It looks like out of the people who voted in the poll, roughly half monitor their teens' email, cell phone usage and texting, and nearly everyone monitors online social networking. Thankfully, we haven't yet been faced with the social networking issue with Kevin - maybe it's more of a girl thing? He does have his own YouTube account, as he makes some really cool stop action movies with Legos and clay and whatnot, and uploads them, and he's developed a small following. Even that I'm a little wary of, just because there are all kinds of weirdos out there and I don't know how well Kevin can handle himself online with strangers. He knows never to give out any information to anyone online.

We're going to continue with the limits we put on his cell phone/texting usage, just because I don't see any reason to allow him at this tender age to use it for socializing. For the time being, it's really nothing more than a safety measure, a way for him to keep in touch with us, and vice versa, when he's not with us.

The biggie, though - email. I've stopped reading his email. I still have access to it, but I haven't read anything for the last couple weeks. I was feeling really guilty about it and the more I thought about it, the sillier it seemed to me that I thought I could rely on that to tell me any real news about my son. He's never given me any reason to be concerned or distrustful of him, so I'm going to allow him that privacy.

Ahhh, parenting. Just wingin' it here. Aren't we all?

How Much Privacy is a Teen Entitled To?

I am suddenly finding myself completely at odds with myself over something. A while back I mentioned that I monitor Kevin's email. I am seriously reconsidering this decision now.

A few days ago, out of the blue, Kevin asked me if I read his email. He knows I have his password, but my impression is that he's trusted all along that I'm not actually reading his stuff. It never occurred to me that he would come right out and ask me; I guess I assumed this would remain my little covert operation of keeping tabs on him, and he'd never be the wiser. So his question caught me off guard, and I kind of stumbled for a moment and then blurted out, "No! Of course not." Ugh. And in all honesty, I've been feeling really crummy about the lie ever since.

My logic has been as follows: if he knows I'm monitoring his email, he'll censor himself, or maybe even open up an email account for himself that I don't know about.

Obviously, I never thought this whole thing all the way through. So, what exactly do I do if I do read something in his outgoing or incoming email that concerns me? I can't exactly say something upfront about it without letting on that I've been reading, which would almost certainly (a) force him underground, and (b) cause a lot of damage to whatever trust he has in me.

The truth is, I have no reason not to trust him. He's a good kid. And I'm not just saying that. He really is. He doesn't get into trouble, he's got a very strong sense of right and wrong, he works hard and does very well in school. He gives me no cause for concern. So why do I feel this need to monitor his email? Because I can, because it's so easy to? Is that a good enough reason? Maybe I should be giving him the benefit of the doubt until/unless he shows me that he needs to be monitored? Or if, as a parent, you wait until they give you cause for concern, is it then already too late?

Nothing I've read in any of his email over the last few months has sent up any red flags. There are only a handful of people he exchanges emails with: his grandma, a neighborhood friend, and a couple of friends from school. He's gotten some forwards of religious hooey that I'd love to discuss with/dispute for him, but I guess if I want to be true to my assertion that I want my kids to make up their own minds about such things, then I have to let him make up his own mind. He and a friend from school have alluded to an interest in girls - very innocent, silly stuff, completely age-appropriate. And despite both Michael and I trying to talk to Kevin about girls, he has made it clear that that topic is not one he's willing to talk about with us. So what right do I have to pry when there's been no cause for concern?

Also, I've realized that it's foolish to think that I'm going to glean any real information from his emails. He communicates with his friends much more face-to-face at school and on the phone than he does via email, and I certainly can't monitor all of that.

I am very curious how other parents of teens feel about all of this and handle it with their own kids. And what about other forms of electronic communication? I know plenty of middle-schoolers who have free reign over texting. Kevin has a cell phone, but we made it clear from the beginning that it's not for socialization - it's to communicate with us, period. He's not allowed to give his number out to anyone, he's not allowed to text anyone except us, and we can monitor all of his phone activity online (I never have, but I could). I just don't see the need for a kid this young to be using a cell phone for socialization - but that's me. And then there's Facebook. Not that Kevin has ever shown any interest in FB (yet . . . or maybe it's more of girl thing?), but I have friends with kids his age who do have FB accounts. That's something I hope doesn't come up in our house for a long time yet.

I dunno . . . I just feel guilty all of a sudden. There's a part of me that feels like, he's a child, and as long as he's a child, everything he does is my business. But I also know that he's at the age when he is growing more toward adulthood, and he needs to discover for himself who he is, who he wants to be, and there are areas of his life, even at 13, that belong only to him, and rightly so.

Big Little Girls

Last night Kevin gave his big R-word speech at school. It was FABULOUS. (And if you haven't already seen it, check out the footage here.)

It was part of a program in which all of the seventh and eighth graders had to present either a visual art or a performing art (Kevin's speech was classified as a performing art: a monologue). There were lots of performing arts, including dance routines.

Man, oh man, some of these girls. Seventh and eighth graders - so, we're talking 12 - 14 year olds. Performing these very sexual dance routines. And wearing very form-fitting, sexy outfits. And they're all so developed, you know? Full on boobs and butts and legs. These aren't little girls. At least not physically. It was rather startling. And unsettling. They seem so . . . wordly. Very talented girls, these. But, just . . . wow.

Am I just becoming of the geeze? An old prude? Does every generation look at its teens and think they are way too grown-up and precocious for their own good?

I was watching these girls and trying to remember back to when I was that age. Were the girls in my peer group like that? Me, I was a total ugly duckling at that age: painfully thin, short, unflattering hair, glasses, and horribly crooked teeth - I'm pretty sure I was at least occasionally mistaken for a homely boy. I'm picturing my seventh grade school photo and cringing; I don't actually have it in my possession, but I can still picture the wire-rimmed granny glasses and the powder blue polyester blouse I wore. ::Shudder:: Anyway, my point is, I don't think I could have pulled off sexy at that age no matter how hard I might have tried (and I do remember that at the time, the trend among girls was to wear shorts so short that our butt cheeks peeked out of the bottoms - which I did, and which my mother proclaimed slutty. I'll have to give her that).

Then I think of my own daughters. Is that how they're going to be in fewer than ten years? I kept hissing at Michael last night as we watched these young girls writhe all over the stage, "What would you think if that was your daughter up there?!" He just shrugged. What can you say? It's almost impossible to imagine your sweet little girls becoming these aliens with butts and boobs when they're only 3 and 5 years old.

And how did these girls' parents feel seeing their little girls up there bumping and grinding? I'm thinking if it were me, I'd say something like, "How about a puppet show, honey? No dancing. Dancing is the Devil's work."

Oy.

Mercurial

Ahhh, the teenage years. Are there any other words that conjure up such dread in the hearts of parents? We are knee-deep in teenage moodiness, attitude, and smart-mouthedness.

Don't get me wrong. Kevin is a good kid. A great kid. He doesn't get into any trouble, he does well in school, he's very loving and tolerant of his siblings, and he seems to have a pretty strong sense of right and wrong. But man, oh man, can he cop an attitude.

Did you know that once your child hits the magic 13, everything must go exactly their way? Did you further know that you should never say "no" to your teenage child? Did you also know that you should never look a teenager directly in the eyes, as they interpret it as a challenge and may attack? Plentiful eye-rolling and lots of "What?!? That's not fair!" and "Okay, fine!" in a shrieky voice ensues during adolescence, as well. And door-slamming. And stomping.

Oy.

I keep reminding myself of how it felt to be 13. I very much remember how difficult - impossible at times - it was to harness and control my confusing emotions at that age. I try to keep this in mind, but it's hard to excuse some of Kevin's rudeness and disrespectfulness even while I try to have compassion and empathy for what he's going through. Today, after he told Michael to "Mind your own business!" and then stomped off, took his anger and frustration out on everyone in his path, and then slammed his bedroom door, I stormed into his room and said what parents around the world say to their teenagers: "YOU'RE GROUNDED!!!"

Freedom

Kevin approached me the other day telling me that he wants to volunteer at the local public library this summer with his friend. What a fabulous idea. Then he said, "D's mom said he'll be able to ride his bike to the library . . . do you think I'll be able to?" "Wow, ummm, I don't know," I said, picturing in my mind the blind hills they'd have to navigate and the busy street they'd have to cross.

***

Yesterday, late afternoon, Kevin told me he was headed to the schoolyard with his basketball to shoot some hoops. "By yourself?" I asked. "Yeah, Mom," he said, rolling his eyes. "Ummm . . . well, okay . . . I guess," I said, adding "You know, I know you're thirteen now and everything, but the rule about talking to strangers still applies, okay?" "I know, Mom," he said, rolling his eyes again.

***

Today, Kevin tagged along with me to run some errands, and in the truck he said, "Hey, Mom, do you think it's okay if I get a pocketknife?" "What?!" I replied, a little horrified. "What in the world do you need a knife for?" "Well, you know, just for stuff. It would be handy sometimes," he said. "And Dad thinks it would be okay." What?!? He does?!?

***

Do you see what's happening here? He's growing up. My god. What happened to the little boy who held my hand when we crossed the street? What happened to the little boy who carried a stuffed goose and a stuffed parrot - his buddies - everywhere with him? What happened to the little boy who was convinced that there were monsters lurking in his closet, and who believed that the spray bottle of water I squirted into his closet really was anti-monster spray?

I'm clearly having a bit of trouble with this whole growing up and letting go thing. I mean, Kevin is a really great kid; he's never gotten into any trouble and has never given us any reason not to trust him. But it's not him I don't trust, it's the world. I've probably been a little on the overprotective side of parenting, not letting him walk home from school on his own until he was 11, not letting him go more than a couple blocks from home on foot or on his bike, still not letting him play outside after dark, that kind of thing.

I worry.

But I'm also starting to realize that we've got to let him spread his wings a little. If I shelter him too much, he'll never learn how to handle himself, and I might risk sabotaging the very things I've tried so hard to foster: his safety and good judgment. I know from personal experience that suffocating a kid with rules and restrictions pretty much guarantees rebellion and foolish behavior.

Ahhh, this parenting thing. It never gets any easier, does it?

What's that line from that old .38 Special song?

Hold on loosely,

But don't let go.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

It's official: we now have a teenager on our hands.

In my head, I hear all the usual plaintive laments: where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday . . .

However cliche those sentiments are, they're true and very real to me suddenly. Kevin was a baby, and then I blinked, and here he is, a teenager. If I close my eyes and concentrate hard enough, I can almost convince myself that I'm back there, when Kevin was tiny and sweet, and all mine, his personality yet to develop and be discovered. I can almost touch it. I remember thinking at certain times when he was very small, "I wish I could put this time in a box and pack it away, so that in the future I could take it out and re-experience it over and over." But of course, life doesn't allow you to do that.

Kevin's babyhood, and a good part of his childhood are gone forever. And suddenly I wonder, did I kiss and hug

him enough? Did I read enough stories to him? Did I cuddle him enough? Because that time is gone.

For the last week or so, Michael and I have been taking the video camera out and about with a project in mind: to video tape random people wishing Kevin a happy birthday. We burned it onto a DVD to give to Kevin for his birthday. We got about 30 people, both friends and strangers, saying happy birthday and imparting words of wisdom to Kevin as he embarks on being a teenager. A couple days ago, Michael and I took turns taping each other leaving messages for Kevin. I didn't realize how significant this all is to me until Michael turned the video camera on me, and I suddenly broke down crying. That came out of left field! But it just hit me - my baby is turning thirteen. He's really growing up.

I suspect that this is going to be a year full of changes. I won't be surprised if Kevin grows to be at least as tall as me over the next year. I'm sure he will be dealing with some other physical changes, if the mood swings he already has are any indication. I know that he and his dad and I will continue to butt heads - he's at the beginning of a long process of trying to figure out who he is and what his place in the world is, so I know that clashing with us and testing the boundaries constantly are all part of that. I remember my teenage years as not being easy ones, and there is a part of me that feels sad that Kevin will be experiencing the confusion of not being a child, but not being an adult either.

He's thirteen today. Thirteen. I am very proud of the person he has grown into, the young man he is becoming - proud in a way that cannot take credit, but more in a way that feels a full heart and a sense of satisfaction. Kevin is a great kid. He is loving and loyal, he's brave and will take a stand for what he believes in, even at the risk of being unpopular. He's a good friend to his friends, and a good brother to his siblings. He's sensitive and compassionate, and he has big dreams for himself. These are exactly the things I've always wanted for all of my kids.