Michael vs. Cancer

Well, it's been a very emotionally charged couple of days - weeks, really. Anxiety was building to alarming levels over Michael's upcoming scan, and it culminated in a rather surreal and very draining day yesterday - what with it being the anniversary of my dad's death, and then my doctor appointment in the morning and the worry over my blood pressure, and then dropping Michael off late yesterday afternoon at the outpatient center where he would spend a couple hours for his full body CT/PET scan.

I have to say that I had no idea until recently that this scan would be such a huge emotional issue. When Michael was going through treatment last year, it was horrible and awful in so many ways, but at least we had the comfort of knowing we were being proactive. He and his doctors were actively fighting the beast, and Michael was being constantly watched and monitored. When he had his scan immediately following the end of treatment, there was definitely a huge relief factor, but it happened so quickly after treatment I just don't think we had an opportunity (or I didn't anyway) to dwell much on the possibility of a bad outcome.

But now it's been a year since treatment ended, and only recently has it begun to sink in for me the feeling that we've somehow been cut loose. A whole year for one mutant little cell to have escaped the clutches of chemo and radiation and surgery, maybe multiplying its little heart out deep inside Michael, with us none the wiser. It happens. It's exactly why there are follow-up scans and checkups.

I don't know how either of us managed to sleep last night. Today we were both bundles of nerves. And what to say to the kids? They know that Dad went in for some kind of test last night, but Kevin is the only one we actually told that it was a test to make sure the cancer is still gone. I feel terrible now because I know I was Yelling Screeching Mom today - every last nerve in my body was on edge and my patience was at about -100. The kids went to school, Michael went to work, and I spent the morning at a friend's house (thank you, Jen!), Michael and I just trying to get through the day as we waited for a phone call from his doctor that very well could change everything for us once again.

We finally got the call late this afternoon. The report from Michael's scan states "No evidence of disease." Michael remains in remission. His oncologist said he's see him in a couple months for a regular checkup.

To say that we are thankful and relieved seems almost trite. I want to jump for joy. I want to hug everyone I love. I want to live and love as hard as I can. I don't want to leave anything unsaid.

Life. I am thankful.