As time goes on, Michael's cancer and the whole nightmare of treatment last year become more and more of a distant memory, ever more removed from our present reality. It's difficult to look at Michael now - who is probably in the best shape, and the best health he's ever been in - and reconcile the knowledge that last year, he was literally fighting for his life.
For all intents and purposes, we've moved on; we've put it behind us. Yes, there are still lingering effects from the cancer itself and the treatment that have become a part of his, and therefore our, daily lives - none of them especially pleasant. Still, we live in a state of relief and gratitude, and we dare to dream about the future, take it for granted even.
But sometimes it all creeps back in, the fear, the knowledge that this is all really out of our hands. Hardly a day goes by that I don't hear about cancer touching someone's life in some way. It almost seems as though there is no getting away from it. Michael has been bringing stories to me lately of people he became acquainted with on an online cancer support message board - people with the same type of cancer he had who have had a recurrence. People who have suddenly died.
People die from cancer. Even in this day and age of wildly advanced medicine and technology, people die from cancer.
It stops me cold. My insides seize up and I feel panic set in. It is such a completely helpless feeling, knowing that there is really no rhyme or reason to it, no justice. It doesn't matter how much "bad" you've already had in your life. It doesn't matter how good or bad a person you are. There are no checks and balances when it comes to cancer. And really, my husband's life is in the hands of medical professionals whom we have no choice but to trust.
Sometimes I become superstitious despite myself and I wonder if we are tempting fate by moving on and embracing life. Living in fear is no way to live, to be sure, but sometimes I picture the Cancer Gods (who look like horrific monsters in my mind) watching us and deciding to take us down a notch or two by spreading a little cancer dust on our family again.
The truth is, it never really goes away, not completely.
I'm Moving - Please Follow Me!
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I'm calling it quits. Sort of.
When I started this blog a couple years ago, I envisioned a group of
friends sitting over virtual cups of coffee and tattere...
13 years ago
4 comments:
it never does, it sucks that something can have so much hold and so much power on your life.
cancer has touched my family repeatedly ... aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents ... my parents both fought cancer and were able to have the organs affected, removed successfully. last summer we thought I had thyroid cancer and only learned a week after the surgery that the pathologists (4 of them) were wrong in their diagnosis.
such a little word that carries such a huge burden. one more reason why we should live each day with no regrets :)
I hope that Michael remains cancer free and that it's one less thing you have to worry about again.
I hate cancer. Zainah goes in for her last scan tomorrow. If all goes well then she will only have to follow yearly. Today in class I was talking to a fellow graduate student who lost her precious 9 year old to neuroblastoma 3 years ago. It broke my heart. As far as medicine has come there is so much that we still don't understand or know how to cure.
My thoughts are with you and your family. I totally understand that fear that plants it seed in the back of your mind.
Hi Lisa, Its funny for me that you posted this today as in 2 days time it will be exactly 7 years since I had my own surgery for bowel cancer. I think you totally captured the essence of how awful it is to have cancer when you wrote "There are no checks and balances when it comes to cancer". As a doctor I have had to deal with my own feelings about having had cancer at a young age but also to continue see patients with the same or different cancers. Unfortunately working in a hospital you generally see the people who are having recurrences or dying from their disease rather than the ones who are happy and healthy and living in the community. Perhaps that is true of those Michael has been in contact with recently...a skewed sample of people who are suffering complications/relapses while those who are cancer free are not needing to access the cancer support website quite as much.
Either way I totally agree with you the way having had cancer in your life sometimes seems to mess with your mind that you keep wondering if it is going to come back. I am not sure if this is going to be any comfort to you but as every year passes that you remain cancer free it does seem to be just that bit more remote. Ironically if I had to pick a cancer to have I would probably pick bowel cancer for one simple reason. At the end of 5 years if you have had no relapse or recurrence your risk of dying from bowel cancer reverts to the same as every other person...that is the medical profession will actually say you are cured. This is not true of very many cancers which continue to carry a higher risk for the rest of your life. With all my heart I hope to be reading your blog in 4 years time and hearing that you and Michael have got to that magical 5 year mark and can put most of this behind you as best as you can.
Incidentally reading this post has made me realise that I have been following your blog for one whole year now...so Happy "Adventures in Motherhood" Birthday to me :)
Thankyou for the witty, clever, uplifting, honest and thoroughly enjoyable postings you make each time. Your blog is my favourite by far and I treasure being able to read about such a completely normal/crazy/wonderful family. It makes my own adventure in motherhood seem tame by comparison yet offers me hope and comfort that I am not alone in the daily struggle to be a loving wife and mother.
Thanks again Lisa.
Hi Lisa, Its funny for me that you posted this today as in 2 days time it will be exactly 7 years since I had my own surgery for bowel cancer. I think you totally captured the essence of how awful it is to have cancer when you wrote "There are no checks and balances when it comes to cancer". As a doctor I have had to deal with my own feelings about having had cancer at a young age but also to continue see patients with the same or different cancers. Unfortunately working in a hospital you generally see the people who are having recurrences or dying from their disease rather than the ones who are happy and healthy and living in the community. Perhaps that is true of those Michael has been in contact with recently...a skewed sample of people who are suffering complications/relapses while those who are cancer free are not needing to access the cancer support website quite as much.
Either way I totally agree with you the way having had cancer in your life sometimes seems to mess with your mind that you keep wondering if it is going to come back. I am not sure if this is going to be any comfort to you but as every year passes that you remain cancer free it does seem to be just that bit more remote. Ironically if I had to pick a cancer to have I would probably pick bowel cancer for one simple reason. At the end of 5 years if you have had no relapse or recurrence your risk of dying from bowel cancer reverts to the same as every other person...that is the medical profession will actually say you are cured. This is not true of very many cancers which continue to carry a higher risk for the rest of your life. With all my heart I hope to be reading your blog in 4 years time and hearing that you and Michael have got to that magical 5 year mark and can put most of this behind you as best as you can.
Incidentally reading this post has made me realise that I have been following your blog for one whole year now...so Happy "Adventures in Motherhood" Birthday to me :)
Thankyou for the witty, clever, uplifting, honest and thoroughly enjoyable postings you make each time. Your blog is my favourite by far and I treasure being able to read about such a completely normal/crazy/wonderful family. It makes my own adventure in motherhood seem tame by comparison yet offers me hope and comfort that I am not alone in the daily struggle to be a loving wife and mother.
Thanks again Lisa.
P.S. I didn't answer your poll about bananas because there wasn't anywhere to say you didn't like them at all!!
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