So, that whole blog envy thing. Apparently, a big factor in why my blog has never hit the big time is because I'm not all sunshine and flowers. (I also think the fact that I'm openly atheist has something to do with it as well; like I've said, religion/Christianity is far more socially acceptable than atheism.) Some apparently see me as an "angry blogger." And, I guess, an angry person.
I guess the latter hurts more than the former, because it's one thing to judge my writing, and it's another thing entirely to judge me as a person.
Nevertheless, I don't deny it. God knows I've spent thousands of dollars in therapy trying to "work through" all of my anger. I've carried it around for a lifetime, and at this point, I think it's just always going to be a part of me. The best I have been able to do is to get to a point where I try not to let whatever anger I have color my whole existence and my relationships. Sometimes I fail.
I acknowledge that a lot of my writing tends towards the negative. Probably because the things I feel moved to write about are often things I'm frustrated or up in arms about; writing is absolutely an outlet for me. I hope that at least some of the things I write about also reflect fulfillment in my marriage, love and pride in my kids, appreciation of my friends, and gratitude for where I've thus far landed on life's path.
I also hope people realize that there is an actual person behind the online persona, a person much more complicated than what you see here. A person who smiles and laughs a lot, a person who tries to find the humor in things, a person who is unfailingly honest, a person who is intensely loyal and extravagantly generous. A person who actually engages in some pretty brutal self-examination. A person who realizes that she carries anger around, is thin-skinned, and tends towards melancholy, impatience, and cynicism. A person who has had her heart broken enough times that she is jaded.
I've actually spent a good part of my life wanting to be things I am not, in order to feel worthy of being liked or loved. It's a fool's game. I can try to better myself, but in the end, I can only be me, and who I am.
8 comments:
I can totally identify!
I worry sometimes that readers will think that, because I focus on the CHAOS that is my life, that it must mean that I am consumed by it. Okay...that might be true. A little. But much like you said about your blog, my blog is an outlet for me to address the chaos, and a medium for me to connect with others who find themselves on this sea of chaos as well. But behind the blog, after the spaghetti is cleaned up off the floor (and out of my hair), my life is amazing, and I appreciate every minute of it---chaos and all.
This is the hard part of putting yourself out there... writing is cathartic. You have loyal fans and the rest can stuff it!
We are who we are..and that's the best that we can do. Don't change, Lisa, don't. You are the way you should be and you know, you tell the truth and you are honest. People don't have to agree with you all the time- it would be a boring world if we saw things the same way as everyone else. And personally, I do not believe/ like blogs that are all about the good stuff and everything is always perfect. Well, it's just not reality. I often wonder what people think of my blog but you know, I am who I am. I know that I can sometimes come across as a European snob, but hey, it's who I am!!!
Keep sharing your thoughts as you see them..because I like to read them..and I come and hang out on your blogs every day! :)
did people actually tell you that? hell, i've never met you, but i know that those peeps are way off! there was something about you when we met on the july board over 2 years ago...i knoew i liked you :) i love your blog...i envy you in so many ways! & while we may have different belief systems, i couldn't care less...why would i want my friends to be my clones? ya know?!
luv ya lisa...if i am ever in cali again, we'll habe to hit up starbucks together! :)
Seriously, Lisa, Im going to have you be a guest blogger on my blog and not tell anyone... I bet no one would be able to tell... oh wait, not true, you are such a better writer than I am... somebody would question why I all of a sudden have some mad skills... :)
All that to say, I really do enjoy reading your blog and havent ever really thought of you as an overly negative person... maybe b/c I relate so much
Lisa,
I was introduced to your blog a while ago via PO. You write from your soul and share very eloquently, honestly and passionately. I "see" all of you and you are a beautiful person. I can relate to what you just wrote. You have touched me numerous times with your writing and I look forward to coming here everyday.
Lisa, I don't know you and I have never left a comment before today. You are an excellent writer! You are who you are and I love reading about your good and bad moments. I like your blog because I "feel" you in it. Does that make any sense? FWIW, I am a Christian and your blog does not turn me off in any way. Some things we have in common (DS child), some we don't (religious views), but I like that you put it all out there for me to read. Don't change anything!
Lisa, you rock. Your the real deal, baggage and all (who doesn't have baggage?!) Keeping the 'others' honest is all I've got to say ;)
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