It's official: I hate Halloween.

Add this to the list of things that prove I'm a bad parent: I hate Halloween, the holiday that the kids adore, that's supposed to be tons of fun for all, blah blah blah. I. Don't. Like. It. There's nothing redeeming about it. Like Kevin so aptly described it "It's a bunch of kids wearing disguises and begging for candy." (This, of course, does not stop him from still taking part in the disguises and the begging.)

This year, it all started a month or so ago when I temporarily lost my mind and spent a small fortune on Disney Princess (blech!) costumes for all three girls at the Freaking Disney Store. I don't know what the hell came over me - I could have gotten costumes very nearly identical for about 1/3 of the price at Target. Whatever.

I spent close to $40 on Halloween candy. I have to buy LOTS, because we have a very, very busy crowd in our neighborhood for Halloween, and no matter how much I buy, we always run out long before the trick-or-treaters are done for the night.

So we ate an early dinner tonight and got the kids all dressed in their costumes, put Finn in the stroller, put the big plastic cauldron filled with candy on the front porch (because Michael and I both want to take the kids trick-or-treating), and we didn't even make it all the way down our front path before our house was hit by the first wave of trick-or-treaters. I'm talking 50 or so people, including adults dressed in costumes. I saw several mini-vans dropping loads of people off across the street.

See, this is why our neighborhood is so busy on Halloween - because people come in from other neighborhoods. And you know what? That kinda pisses me off. It doesn't seem fair to me. I'm sorry if your neighborhood doesn't give out the good candy - it's not fair to overburden my neighborhood and take candy that I really intended for the kids who live in my neighborhood.

So we push and shove our way out onto the sidewalk in front of our house, watching the swarm of people helping themselves to our candy. Michael said, "It feels like we're being robbed." I'll say. Then this family comes along, with a very large dog which is not on a leash. Daisy proceeds to lose her shit. Screaming and crying in terror ensue. The man and woman walk past Daisy and make some comment like, "What's her problem?" I'm pissed now. I say to them, "You're kidding, right? You don't even have your dog on a leash? And there are crowds of kids walking around?" The woman curls her lip at me and says, "Whatever, lady," as their very large, unleashed dog makes its way into my freaking yard. I say, "That's my yard. Get your freaking dog out of my yard."

It was a wonderful start to the evening.

We make it to the house next door, and Annabelle is now screaming and crying because of all the scary costumes. She's begging to go home. Sigh.

So Michael continues on with Joey, Lilah, and Daisy (who, wonder of wonders, was not scared of the scary costumes, was scared of the dogs out and about, but was still willing to go trick-or-treating), and I take Annabelle and Finn home next door, making our way back through the throng of people, and see that we've been gone for about 10 minutes and the 15 pounds of candy I left out is already gone. Nice.

Happy Freaking Halloween.

(Kevin went trick-or-treating and spent the night with a friend, so I didn't get any pics of him in his werewolf costume.)

Happy Halloween

From our family . . .

To yours!

Answers

. . . back to our regularly scheduled programming . . .

Here are the short answers to Joey's "List of Things to Look Up" from the other day:

A List of Things to Look Up

1. All about Beethoven. Okay, I printed a whole bunch of stuff from Wikipedia for this one; here's the link if you're interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ludwig_van_Beethoven

2. How many strings does a koto have? Thirteen. And a koto is a Japanese musical instrument, in case you didn't know.

3. The first person to play baseball. No record of a specific person, but according to Wikipedia, "The history of baseball in the United States can be traced to the 18th century, when amateurs played a baseball-like game by their own informal rules using improvised equipment. The popularity of the sport inspired the semi and full professional baseball clubs in the 1860s." Apparently, that Abner Doubleday invented baseball is a myth.

4. All about mambas. In short, one of the most dangerous and most feared snakes of the African continent. Kills prey by way of venom that paralyzes the nervous system; the prey, in the end, dies of suffocation due to the brain becoming unable to send the message to the lungs to breathe. Nice, huh?

5. When was Chris Columbus born? Sometime between August and October, 1451.

6. What was Martin Luther King Jr.'s grandfather's job? Chrystal, I thought the same thing - that he was probably a slave. But actually, according to Nobelprize.org, "His grandfather began the family's lon tenure as pastors of the Ebenezer Baptist Church in Atlanta, serving from 1914 to 1931."

7. What is the oldest a turtle can be? According to WikiAnswers, "The lifespan varies greatly depending on the species of turtle. A typical pet turtle can live 10 - 80 years or so while larger species can easily live over 100 years. The oldest recorded age of a turtle was 250 years in India."

8. When was the color version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe released in theaters? There were two versions released - one in 1988 and the other in 2005; they were both color.

9. Who was somebody whose birthday was New Year's Day? Some notables with New Year's birthdays include Betsy Ross, J. Edgar Hoover, Barry Goldwater, J.D. Salinger, and Rocky Graziano.

10. Who invented board games? No record of any one person inventing board games, but they apparently date back to the ancient Egyptians.

Don't you feel all knowledgeable now?? I know I do. And Chrystal, no this was not a school assignment, this is just Joey being Joey. If he doesn't have enough homework assigned by his teacher, he makes up his own. Weirdo.

Cancer sucks.

Have I mentioned lately how much cancer sucks? Yeah, I thought not.

In the early months after Michael was diagnosed, I used to blog a lot more about the emotional aspects of his having cancer, the fallout on the entire family. But as I've said, Michael doesn't like starring in my blog. He's a rather private person, apparently in possession of a lot more dignity than I have. Every once in a while, he'll say to me, "Sooooo . . . I read your blog today . . ." and I go, "Uh oh . . ." because I know he's probably going to tell me how he didn't appreciate my putting this or that on my blog. So I've backed off, out of respect for my husband.

And I do respect him a great deal, but you know what? Cancer sucks. And I'm going to unload a little here tonight. Call it my Master Cleanse if you will. I'll try to just stick to my shit and leave him out of it.

Did I mention that cancer sucks?

It's taking a real toll on us. On our happy marriage. We'll pull through this, I believe that with all my heart, but the truth is, we're in a sort of rough patch right now. How could we not be? Tempers flare a lot more often lately than they used to. Speaking for myself, I just seem to reach my breaking point more and more often. It's been months and months and months that my husband has been sick now, and I often feel alone. Like I've lost him on some level, because so much of his energy necessarily goes into withstanding treatment. I miss having a full-time compadre.

And when he's sick, pretty much everything falls on my shoulders. I'm not looking for pity. Just sayin', it's not easy. In fact, it's pretty fucking hard.

And I think what it comes down to is lack of support (and I have no intention of starting up that shitstorm again - if you don't like what I'm saying, stuff it). And I'm not talking about the conditional support that's only available if you're willing to unconditionally put up with someone's shit. That's not support in my book. Enough said about that. I'm just saying, you know, nobody really to fall back on. Michael's laid up in bed? It's not like I have a mother to call and say "Hey, Mom, can you come over and make dinner for us tonight?" or "Can you take the kids for a day?" (Okay, yes, I do have a mother, technically, but she and I are strangers to one another and she's not someone I would even trust with my kids.)

I have some wonderful friends who have given endless moral support and occasionally other kinds of help as well, and for that I'm eternally grateful. I'm not discounting that. I know I'd be in a much, much worse place without that.

I'm just saying . . . I don't know what I'm saying. That this is really, really hard. It's hard to watch your partner in life diminish with illness. To not be able to do anything at all to make it easier or better, and all the while, still have to hold down the fort, often alone. It's a huge, huge task, and one that I often feel I'm not suited for.

Sometimes I think about Nancy Reagan and how she cared for Ronnie all those years when he became a complete invalid - when he no longer even recognized her! And I think, "God, I suck, because I just don't think I could do it."

I guess what I've learned about myself through all this is that I'm really not a very strong person. Certainly not stoic. I mean, sometimes I think, "I've survived so much in my life, I can survive anything." But in the midst of it, I fold and lose my temper and crumple up in tears. And then feel like shit.

But we're finally approaching the final leg of this whole ugly mess. It can only go up from here, right?

That kid, I swear.

Joey presented me this evening with a handwritten list, to wit:

A List of Things to Look Up

1. All about Beethoven.

2. How many strings does a koto have? [and I ask, what the hell's a koto??]

3. The first person to play baseball.

4. All about mambas.

5. When was Chris Columbus born?

6. What was Martin Luther King Jr.'s grandfather's job?

7. What is the oldest a turtle can be?

8. When was the color version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe released in theaters?

9. Who was somebody whose birthday was New Year's Day?

10. Who invented board games?

Joey's first grade teacher used to ask him if he would donate his brain to science. He's something else, huh?

And now, I'm off to do a little Googling for my boy.

Status update

Michael underwent cycle no. 8 (no. 6 post-surgery) of chemo today. That leaves four more to go. It's finally starting to feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Based on side effects, his oncologist has had to adjust dosages, and this cycle he decided to completely forego one of the chemo drugs (so maybe it'll be a not-quite-so-terrible week??). If all goes according to plan and there are no further setbacks or delays, he should be doing his final cycle of chemo the week of Christmas. Which would mean having his PICC line removed just a couple days before Christmas. What a gift that would be! But I'm getting ahead of things. One day at a time. We're getting there.

First Field Trip - a Recap

All in all, the girls' field trip to the pumpkin patch went well according to reports. There were a few hiccups (like both of the girls leaving their lunches back in the classroom!), but the event was deemed a success.

Lining up for the bus -

Uh, yeah. Daisy wasn't too happy to be on the bus. Surprise, surprise.

But I guess she settled down pretty quickly.

Ahh, finally there!

They saw farm animals -

Which Daisy didn't like. Imagine that!

They rode on a tractor -
Picked vegetables (and brought home the sorriest looking carrots, onions and "rashes" you ever saw) -

And of course picked pumpkins!

They both came home with big smiles and big stories! Daddy was worn out.