Hair There

I've been thinking a lot about Annabelle's hair lately, and the strides she's made. This book made such a huge difference in my understanding of her hair-pulling habit, as well as my approach to curbing it.

The first thing, for me, was understanding what's at the root (no pun intended) of her penchant for pulling. It became clear to me after reading that book that for her, it's not an anxiety-induced behavior, but rather a boredom-induced behavior. She's an antsy kid, often with little impulse control. So the key has been to address that particular trigger, which has taken the form of finding things, through trial and error, to keep her hands busy. We call them her "finger toys." I've had to try a lot of different things, the goal being to find something very tactile that would serve to hold her interest enough to keep her fingers out of her hair. I tried feathers, chenille stems, squishy balls, bath poufs, spiky balls, silly putty, bumpy beads - all kinds of things. And some of them held her interest for a while, but nothing long-term until this:

She loves this ball and has been quite attached to it for a couple of months now. She takes it to bed with her, and I try to make sure that she's got it whenever she's sitting around with time on her hands.

The other big thing is that I don't get on her case about her hair anymore. I don't make her hair the issue. I no longer say things like, "Don't you want your hair to be long? Don't you want to be able to have pigtails?" I try really hard not to make it about her hair, but rather, to praise her for using her "finger toys." If I notice that she's been twirling, I don't say anything, I just hand her her ball. Her hair had become such a point of contention between me and her, and this approach has eliminated that - which is good for her and good for me.

Annabelle is also a girl who thrives on structure, so I was worried that all the progress we'd begun to make with her hair would go down the tubes over summer break when structure goes out the window. But she's done really well. I know she still occasionally twirls her hair, because I sometimes see the telltale corkscrews. But I don't believe she's pulling these days. Her hair has grown out quite a bit:

Here she is in April -

And four months later (it's messy, but you can see that there's quite a bit more of it) -

I haven't had to trim it to even it out in months.

I won't say she's "cured." I believe this is probably something she will deal with all her life, but hopefully giving her the tools to deal with it will be helpful.

Dance, Dance, Dance!

Our weekend was all about dance. The three girls have been taking ballet/tap classes for a few months now. When I initially signed them up, we had the opportunity to sign them up to participate in the spring recital, which I jumped on since I've been waiting, like, my whole life for stuff like this, and which turned out to be a most elaborate production of The Wonderful Land of Oz, and which was today (on Father's Day).

Yesterday was dress rehearsal, which turned out to be a really big deal and which took about half the day. The first order of business was to put full make-up on the girls. Quite an undertaking, seeing that (a) I'm no makeup artist, and (b) they weren't digging the whole process.

Here are my beautiful, fresh-faced little girls: Lilah, Daisy, and Annabelle -

They look like scary Vegas showgirls with all that garish makeup, no? But it's theater, you know, and apparently it's important to lay it on thick so it's visible from the stage,

Daisy-

Lilah-

Annabelle-

In costume, waiting backstage for their turns.

Lilah is a Poppy - isn't she the cutest darn poppy you ever did see?

The twins performed in a dance number "He's the Wiz."

These photos and video footage are only from the dress rehearsal, as we weren't allowed to take photos or video during the actual show today. I was blown away by the whole production, though. It was amazing. There were well over 100 kids doing different dance numbers in a 90-minute show, everything from hip-hop to ballet and tap. It was really, really cool.

Dorothy with Toto, the Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow, and TinWoman-

The Wicked Witch-

Lilah is the red poppy standing -

Dorothy and Glinda -

Annabelle and Daisy are the two in the center, closest to the Wizard -

The Graduates

What a year it's been! And hard to believe how quickly it went.

Last night the twins' kindergarten class had a little graduation ceremony. Songs were sung, cheers were shouted, tears were shed (I can't help it!), and diplomas were given out:

Annabelle and Daisy are the two super cute girls in the middle in the black velvet dresses.

Daisy shaking the principal's hand before collecting her diploma -

Annabelle ran up . . .

. . . and ran back as quick as she could. Not liking the spotlight, that one.

Here they are with their lovely teacher at the after-party.

My two big almost-first-graders -

I remember how scared I was at the beginning of the school year. Are they really ready for kindergarten? With late September birthdays, they didn't even turn 5 until after the school year started. Will Daisy's phobia's cause major problems? Will Annabelle be able to sit still and behave and stay focused? Ahhh, I was beside myself with worry about all of it.

But with the help of a wonderful, patient teacher who, throughout the year, saw only the best in my girls, they did beautifully. Daisy has overcome so many of her fears and phobias - it's hard to believe she's the same little girl. And Annabelle thrived on the structure of a daily school routine. They both learned to read and do simple math, they made friends, and they grew up just a little bit.

And now they're ready to take on the world in first grade.

Trich Diaries

The Box 'o Tricks (or should I say "Trichs"?) seems to be showing the most promise in the way of things we've tried to curb Annabelle's hair-twirling/pulling. I actually haven't seen her sucking her fingers or messing with her hair for a couple of weeks now, although I don't think she's completely stopped. I've seen telltale corkscrews twisted into her hair a few times, but not daily like before. It's hard to say if her hair is growing out - I don't think enough time has passed yet for it to really be noticeable. I did trim her hair again tonight after her bath to even it out, but I didn't have to trim much, and the shorter part might have been from before this "behavioral therapy" we're trying.

I feel like I should clarify, too, that she's never pulled to the point of creating bald patches. When she pulls, she apparently doesn't pull the hair out at the root, it's more like she breaks it off farther away from her scalp, so that the area she tends to mess with is usually noticeably shorter than the other side. This also leads me to believe that whatever pulling she does is not purposeful pulling, but more likely the end result of overly-vigorous twirling.

Anyway. I've restocked the Box a couple of times. It's been a matter of trial and error finding things that are tactilely pleasing enough to her to keep her hands out of her mouth and hair. The Kooshie ball that looked like a pig that she liked so much only lasted a couple of days before it got a hole in it and was a Kooshie ball no more. She never really developed any interest in the pom-poms or the chenille stems, which kind of surprised me. The Silly Putty was tossed pretty quickly when it ended up smooshed into the carpet (no surprise there - I guess I asked for that one). I replaced the pig with a squishy rubber turtle filled with sand, and she really, really likes that. I also got a bright pink bath pouf, and she likes that as well. Once in a while she asks for one of the brightly colored feathers from the box, but mostly it's the turtle or the pouf.

I don't get on her case about her hair anymore, which has been surprisingly easy, probably because I really haven't seen her sucking and/or twirling. She doesn't suck or pull at school (which her teacher has confirmed), undoubtedly because she's plenty busy at school (and the girl thrives on structure). It's when she's got down time that she starts in with the fingers in her mouth and hair (which has me feeling somewhat anxious about summer break, which is fast approaching). So now she takes one of her things from the Box to bed with her, and in the car, and when she's watching TV. It really seems to be helping. I'm trying to be realistic and not look at this as a permanent cure, but I feel optimistic about it right now. More so than I ever have.

And now, for your listening pleasure . . .

. . . may I present . . . Annabelle:

AAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!

Does it seem like Annabelle is more often the topic of my posts lately than any of my other kids? That girl gives me a run for my money, I'll tell you.

So, homework again. Honestly, I am just ready to scream. It's a constant battle with her, this homework thing. I've tried a few different tactics:

• Setting the timer, telling her calmly that she could work on her homework for 20 minutes, and whatever she didn't finish in that time just had to be left undone;
• Having Daisy help her instead of me;
• Threatening loss of privileges;
• Bribing

Each one works for a while, but when the novelty wears off, we're back to square one. Meaning she dissolves into a puddle of tears and whining and wailing when I tell her it's time to do her homework. I'm just at my wits' end with this! And honestly, although I'm in large part frustrated with her, I can't be too mad at her. She's five! She's in kindergarten! Ack!

But the fact of the matter is, regardless of the fact that I have issues with the whole concept of kindergarten homework, it's a fact of life. I can't change the world or school policy just because I have one kid who hates homework, and I don't see the point of said homework. She has to get used to it because it's going to be a part of her life for many, many years to come.

So she's in the midst of a full-blown tantrum right now because I told her it's time to do her homework. I finally threw my hands up and told her, "Fine, don't do it, then. It's your choice. But YOU can talk to your teacher about it, YOU can tell her that you didn't want to do it."

Aaaauuuugggghhhh!!!

Box o' Tricks

So, after reading that book, Stay Out of My Hair, I found myself suddenly motivated and excited to try a different approach with Annabelle and her hair-pulling. Having come to the conclusion that for her, the habit is composed of two elements - tactile and self-soothing - it seems like the best approach to take at this point is to attempt to redirect the behavior by giving her other things to get those needs met. This is clearly going to be a path of trial and error; the stuffed lambs I gave her a couple weeks ago didn't work out. For whatever reason, they just weren't interesting enough to her and she didn't develop any kind of attachment to them.

I went on a little shopping adventure this weekend, specifically looking for things for Annabelle's hands. The main element I was looking for was tactile. I wanted a variety of objects with interesting feels and textures - things that will hold her interest and keep her hands busy during times when she's likely to mess with her hair. Here's what I came up with (it was actually kind of fun!) -

• Silly putty
• Chenille stems
• Pom-poms
• Feathers
• A plastic lei
• A Kooshie ball
• Pink scrubber gloves
• Beads and string

And a pretty box to put it all in (well, not all of it, just a few things at a time):

Before I presented the box to her, I sat down and had a little talk with her. I told her that she's not in trouble, that I'm not mad, but that I wanted to talk to her about her hair-pulling. I told her that no matter what, Daddy and I love her very, very much, and that she's a beautiful little girl no matter what her hair looks like. I told her that I understand that it's very hard for her to not play with her hair, and that's okay, but if she'd like to try and work on not doing it, I'd like to try to help. And if not, that's okay, too.

(All the while, hoping it didn't sound like a rehearsed speech; I mean, I meant everything I said, but I was trying very hard to say the right things, or at least to not say the wrong things.)

She was game. And she was very excited about the box of stuff. I wanted to give her a variety of things so she won't become bored with any of it. I didn't give her the box outright; I'm keeping control of it because I don't want to see it become one more thing to be scattered all over the house like all the other toys and things. My thinking is that this is Annabelle's Special Box of Stuff. Which, of course means that the other kids got pissed off that Annabelle got some new things and they didn't.

I told her she can have one thing at a time (and not when she's running around playing, but when she's got downtime, which is when she pulls). At first, she went through every object in the box very quickly; about every five minutes she was coming to me wanting to put whatever she had back in the box so she could try something new. Which was tiring, but I stuck with it. The Silly Putty was a big hit, but it ended up smooshed into the carpet, so that's history (no big surprise there; it was worth a shot, though). She seems to have settled on the Kooshie Ball, which is in the likeness of a pig and she has named it Oinkie. And I have to say, it is really fun to squeeze and play with.

So, we'll see where this takes us. The book made a very important point, and that is that praise and rewards should be given for using alternative strategies, not for not pulling hair. So I'm trying really hard not to focus on her hair.

Stay tuned.

Parenting a Child with Trich

I got this book from Amazon, Stay Out of My Hair: Parenting Your Child with Trichotillomania. It's a quick read; I read it in two evenings. And I found it to be extremely eye-opening.

The book explains, in very simple terms, what is known about trich and what is not. And largely, the causes are unknown. Most of the research has been done on adults with trichotillomania; relatively little is known about how and why it starts in children - especially very young children - how it progresses, and what the long-term prognosis is.

I was apparently right in my assumption that it is not in any way related to self-mutilation, which is typically brought on by trauma and used to create physical pain in order to obliterate emotional pain; and that it is closely related to other habits such as nail-biting. To some degree, it is true what I've concluded - that in the end, Annabelle is going to have to own her hair-pulling. However, she is a little girl, and as her parent, I have a responsibility to help her navigate this because she can't do it alone. And unfortunately it's foolish to assume that she might grow into an adult with trich who is perfectly happy and well-adjusted. She might, but it's just as likely that if she doesn't master some strategies to control the impulse to pull, she might grow into an adult with trich who has resulting depression, shame, embarrassment, and self-esteem issues.

What became clear as I read it is that (a) my approach and reaction to Annabelle's hair-pulling has been all wrong, and (b) my approach and reaction to Annabelle's hair-pulling has been very typical of parents of children with trich.

The book presents a number of case studies, and Annabelle's hair-pulling matched one of them very closely: a little girl who, as a toddler, began twirling her hair as she sucked her thumb. Eventually, the twirling progressed to pulling, but it was more a result of over-zealous twirling, and not necessarily purposeful pulling. However, over time it became an ingrained habit, and the little girl continued to pull her hair in combination with thumb-sucking as a self-soothing mechanism, as when going to sleep, and out of boredom. This is Annabelle exactly. I truly believe that her pulling is not anxiety- or stress-related, but rather what has become a habit originally born out of hair-twirling, that she is largely unconscious of when doing it, and one she engages in as a self-soothing tool (in combination with finger-sucking) to go to sleep and during times when she's bored or idle.

The common responses of parents to their child's hair-pulling, according to this book, are:

• Impatience (as in wanting/expecting the child to just stop the habit NOW)
• Blaming (as in assuming the pulling is completely within the child's control and that they should just therefore stop doing it)
• Policing (as in inspecting the child's hair regularly to monitor hair loss/hair growth)
• Too much focus on hair/trich (as in allowing the child's hair-pulling to become the focus of the majority of interactions with the child rather than devoting attention to other issues, as well as all of the child's attributes, talents, and achievements)

I've had all of these responses to Annabelle. And it's all harmful to the child and to the relationship between parent and child. These responses cultivate feelings of shame and low self-esteem in the child, as well as making the child feel responsible for the parent's emotions and reactions.

I'm ashamed that I've done this to my daughter.

And when the book explains how many bad habits many, many people develop, and how difficult they are to overcome, I realized, maybe for the first time, that Annabelle's hair-pulling is not something she can just stop doing, just like that. When I think about all the times I tried to quit smoking . . . ack. Many times before I finally succeeded. And just like smoking, or overeating, or any other habit that a person has engaged in for long enough that it's become ingrained in their daily routine, they can't and won't stop until they're ready to. Which means that just because I'm ready for Annabelle to stop pulling her hair (and sucking her fingers) doesn't mean she's ready to, and I can't just demand that she be ready.

The truth is that I often find myself feeling embarrassed about Annabelle's hair. And because she's a twin, and her twin has long hair, I'm often asked why Annabelle has short hair (because, I guess, people assume that twins should look the same). I hate it when people ask me this, and I don't know how to answer. I find myself just being honest and saying that she has a hair-pulling habit (partly in the hopes of de-stigmatizing it), and that I have to cut it regularly to even it out. I don't know if this is how I should be handling it. I do know that it's probably not my place to feel embarrassed by her hair; at this age, she couldn't care less about how her hair looks. So why do I? Am I so shallow that I see my kid as a reflection of me? Yeah, probably something like that.

What I can do is commit to be gentle with her; no more snapping at her to leave her hair alone, no more reprimanding her for twirling or pulling, or demanding that she just stop it. I can be patient, and remind myself that habits are often very difficult to break, and it doesn't happen overnight; she may not even really be ready or motivated to stop. And the biggest thing is to accept her as she is, hair-pulling and all, and to make sure she knows it. I need to tell her and show her that she is loved no matter what; that she is beautiful no matter what kind of hair she has; and that she is a wonderful little girl with lots of talents and positive attributes.

There is a lot of guilt resting on my shoulders for likely having failed thus far in making sure that she is absolutely secure in the knowledge that she is loved and accepted exactly the way she is, hair-pulling and all.

But guilt is only useful if it motivates positive change. So rather than becoming mired in regret, I really want to move forward and make some positive changes that will hopefully help Annabelle.

The discouraging aspect of trich is that there really is no way to know a long-term prognosis, especially for people who start hair-pulling in early childhood. Additionally, it is apparently a condition with a high susceptibility to relapse; so, even if we get to a point where it looks like she's stopped pulling, there are no guarantees that the impulse to pull won't at some point return. This makes it all the more important to develop strategies to help her deal with those impulses.

The approach we used recently of trying to limit her hair-pulling to the chair in the playroom was a joke. It probably could have worked, and even might have worked, had it been attention-seeking behavior that we were trying to curb. But her hair-pulling is definitely not attention-seeking behavior. Live and learn.

Blocking her ability to pull (and finger-suck), as with tape or Bandaids is actually a suggested strategy - BUT not against the child's will. Then it becomes punitive and shaming, which is counter-productive. And lord knows I taped Annabelle's fingers against her will many a time. So it's not out of the question to use that strategy again, but only if Annabelle is a willing participant.

In Annabelle's case, I think she is just a very tactile and fidgety kid, so I'm thinking of putting together a box of tactile things she can use with her hands (think Kooshie balls, furry chenille stems, Play-doh, strings of bumpy beads, etc.) during times she typically pulls.

But she has to be ready and willing to try to overcome this habit. I can't force her. And if she's not ready, I need to make sure she knows it's okay.

So, long story short: I'm hoping to take a more positive approach to this whole thing, and I highly recommend this book to any parent out there who has a child with trich.

Trich, revisited

I wanted to go a little more in depth about our experience with Annabelle's hair-pulling, and my thoughts on it, since people have asked some questions about it.

My understanding is that trichotillomania, while still in large part a mystery, is generally believed to be associated with anxiety and/or OCD (although I just read on some website that it's not considered a compulsive disorder, but rather an impulsive disorder). Annabelle has never been formally diagnosed with trich, but I assume that's what it is since it's gone on far too long to be considered "a phase," as our pediatrician believed it to be when I first discussed it with him.

Here's how it evolved in Annabelle's case: I first noticed her pulling her eyelashes out as I was nursing her when she was about ten months old. I can still picture it. It alarmed me, because it just seemed so strange. At that time, I had never heard of a condition or disorder involving hair-pulling. Shortly after that incident, Michael and I just happened to land on a documentary on TV about this condition where people pull their hair out called trichotillomania, or trich for short. I was horrified. Could my baby daughter have this? But her eyelash pulling was short-lived. She stopped doing it as suddenly as she had started, and I breathed a big sigh of relief and then pretty much forgot about it.

She's been a finger-sucker since she was an infant. She discovered the middle and ring fingers on her left hand as a little baby and began sucking those two fingers as a self-soothing mechanism. Over time, she began twirling her hair in the back as she simultaneously sucked her fingers. The two activities went hand in hand. No big deal. Except she began twirling wicked knots into her hair which I then had to cut out.

I don't know exactly when she started pulling her hair out instead of just twirling it. I discovered it right around the time she turned four, I think. I saw her doing it, wrapping strands of hair around her index (or twirling) finger, as she sucked the two fingers on the other hand, and ripping the strands of hair right out of her scalp. Just the sound was enough to turn my stomach and break my heart. And I began finding her pulled-out curls randomly on the floor.

I tried to reason with her to get her to stop. And as I've documented, I taped her fingers (the sucking fingers and the pulling finger) pretty much every day for over a year. And her hair did grow out while her fingers were taped, but whenever the tape wasn't on, she'd go right back to sucking and pulling. Then I tried just washing my hands of the whole thing and telling her if she wanted to pull, fine, but she could only do it in a specific chair in a specific room of the house. Well, that didn't work either. So I tried tape again, and very shortly thereafter discovered that even the tape wasn't stopping her from pulling anymore. So now we're trying the stuffed animals as a redirection tool. I can't really say how it's going; she's carrying the stuffed lambs with her almost everywhere, and sleeping with them, but I suspect she's also still pulling (I know she's still at least twirling because I've seen the telltale corkscrews sticking out from her hair).

So.

I don't know what drives her penchant to pull. I suspect that it started out as a sensory thing - at least the twirling part. And that it, for some reason, evolved into pulling. I wouldn't say that she's an overly anxious child. She certainly wasn't an overly-anxious baby or toddler. She and Daisy were both colicky, crabby infants, but by the time Annabelle started messing with her hair, she had outgrown that. In fact, she's always been mischievous, happy-go-lucky, just lookin' for a good time. Our little party girl. Daisy is the one who's had all the anxiety and phobia issues, but man, oh man, has that girl come a long way. She's overcome so much of that. However, some of the phobias seem to have transferred to Annabelle recently. Those twins, I tell ya - a science experiment in action. Anyway, although Annabelle has developed some phobias of things she didn't use to be bothered by (like animals), I still wouldn't classify her as overly-anxious.

Now, the compulsive vs. impulsive. There might be something to that. I would not say that Annabelle has any compulsive leanings, but she definitely has impulse-control issues. She does very well in structured situations (like at school), but when she's got free time on her hands, like at home, she's willy-nilly. So, yes, I can see the hair-pulling being some sort of impulse thing with her.

But I've been thinking a lot about this whole disorder thing. Without having done much research, I'm only speaking here as a lay person and a parent. I wonder, though, why exactly trich is considered a disorder or condition. A friend once asked me if it's the same type of thing as self-mutiliation. No, it's not. Self-mutilation, I believe, usually comes on the heels of some severe trauma. Hair pulling, it seems to me, is more along the lines of nail-biting. So why is it such a bigger deal? I mean, lots and lots and lots of people bite their nails - often down to the bloody nubs. And although it's an unattractive habit, it's pretty accepted. Does trich have such a stigma simply because we are an appearance-focused society and the appearance of someone's hair (or missing eyelashes or eyebrows) is harder to overlook than bitten-down nails? I don't know the answer to that, but it's something I've been thinking about.

The truth is, trichotillomania is more prevalent than most people realize. Since I started blogging about our trials with Annabelle's penchant for hair-pulling, other people with trich have come out of the woodwork. A couple of my friends in real life have confided in me that it's something they deal with. And I never would have known. Look around you - chances are, if you're in even a small gathering, there is at least one person there who pulls their hair (or eyelashes or eyebrows or other body hair) out. And here's the thing: you wouldn't know it unless they told you. They function. They deal with it. It's troublesome, but it doesn't consume their lives (although I'm sure there are people with severe cases of trich whose lives it does consume, but I have to think that those people have other, compounding issues).

Ultimately, I have to hold onto this for Annabelle. I can read all the books and try all the tricks to try to get her to stop, but one day she's going to be a grownup and I'm not going to be able to hold her hand through these kinds of things. She will have to find a way to deal with it, by herself. Whether I can find it in myself to let go of it now or not, the truth is that some day I will have no choice but to let go. She will have to own it. And I have to trust that she'll find a way to deal with it, and that she'll be okay.

Hair Again

That whole letting go thing? It didn't work. I guess I went into it with this secret hope that by limiting the location in which Annabelle could mess with her hair, it would become so inconvenient for her that it would curb it. It didn't. Mostly because, try as I might, limiting it to that one chair in the playroom just wasn't realistic. She continued to pull whenever I didn't have my eyes glued to her, which is a lot of the time given all the other little persons and things that also require the attention of my eyes.

I would like to be the sort of person who really could just let go. Let go and let her own this. Stop getting frustrated about it, stop getting angry at her for doing it, stop letting my heart break a little every time I see her twisting and pulling her hair. I wish I could be the sort of parent who could just say "C'est la vie, it's your hair, it looks darling in a little pixie cut, shall we find a nice barrette for it?" But I'm not that parent. And it does frustrate me, and sometimes make me angry, and it always breaks my heart just a little.

These pictures were recently sent home from school and I could see in it how much shorter her hair is on one side. And it just made me want to cry.

So I cut her hair again to even it all out. This is probably the shortest it's ever been.

She's such a darling girl. I mean, look at those sweet, petite little features. Such a cutie. And the way she effs with her hair? Makes her look like a little orphan boy.

So I started putting tape on her pulling finger again.

But a few days ago, I discovered that she's still pulling despite the tape. I thought that wrapping her hair around her index finger was at least partly a sensory thing for her, that she got some sensory charge out of the feel of her hair on her finger, and thus I've always assumed that taping her finger would stop her from doing it. And in fact, it did seem to at least help for a while when I was taping her pulling and sucking fingers before - her hair grew longer than it's probably ever been. But for some reason, now, the tape isn't stopping the pulling. Very calmly, I asked her to show me how she's pulling her hair even with the tape on, so she did.

A little while later, she came to me and very shyly, but earnestly, she said, "Mommy, I want to tell you something." And then she whispered to me, "I don't want to suck my fingers or pull my hair anymore." And this made me want to cry. Even this broke my heart a little. Because she's feeling bad about it. (My fault, no doubt.) Because she's growing up and talking about her feelings . . . sort of. Because this has become such a big issue in our house that everyone is conscious of it. Because she felt like she had to whisper it to me.

So she and I talked about it a little. We brainstormed together about things she can do with her hands instead of pulling and sucking whenever the urge hits her. And we settled on these stuffed animals:

See how furry and soft they are? She's named them Francie and Fluffsie. The plan is that she'll rub them and squeeze them whenever she feels like sucking her fingers and pulling her hair. I don't know if this is the answer, but maybe it's a step in the right direction. And her finally being motivated to stop is also a big step.

I also ordered this book from Amazon: Stay Out of My Hair. Which hopefully will have some much needed guidance.

Quite a Spectacle(s)

We got a note from the school recently that told us Annabelle may need glasses based on the routine vision screening they do of all the children at school. So today I took Annabelle to my optometrist. Daisy came along for moral support. Annabelle was a little nervous until I told her that the eye doctor is a girl and is very pretty (that's what wins Annabelle over). The doc was WONDERFUL with Annabelle - really, I love her, she's great (so if you're in my area and looking for an optometrist for kids or adults, get in touch with me!) - and she even did a quick, complimentary screening of Daisy while we were there. Daisy has 20/20 vision. Annabelle, sure enough, needs glasses.

She tried on about 20 pairs of glasses. They all looked cute on her!

She settled on this pair of modest gray ones, which really kind of surprised me. I thought she'd insist on pink sparkly ones.

So, we'll pick them up in a few days. Annabelle is actually excited about getting glasses!

A Big Day

Today was a big day.

I'm sitting here remembering how anxious and fearful I was at the beginning of the school year about how Daisy and Annabelle were going to cope in kindergarten in the face of all their issues. I wrote about it at the time here.

Today was Farm Day for the kindergartners at school. This is a day that has placed dread in my heart for two years, ever since Joey had Farm Day when he was in kindergarten and I realized that Daisy would have to face the same thing when she went to kindergarten. What is Farm Day? Live animals, folks. We're talking chickens and rabbits and a pony and a cow and a number of other farm creatures, trucked in and placed on the kindergarten playground. For two years I've imagined that Daisy would either have to stay home from school when Farm Day rolled around, or she would go to school but refuse to leave the classroom, or at the very worst, grow completely hysterical at the sight of the animals as she is wont to do.

Every day for the last week, the girls have been counting down - with enthusiasm. "Five days until Farm Day, Mommy!" "Only two more days until Farm Day!" I kept wondering if they realized there were going to be actual animals at school on Farm Day. So this morning, as they were leaving for school, Daisy gives me a hug and says, "Don't worry, Mommy, I'll be fine with the animals." Huh? Did somebody do a kid-transplant at my house last night?

Anyway, in a nutshell, Farm Day was a huge success for both of the girls. They both participated fully, even going outside and petting the animals. No tears. No hysteria.

I think back to how scared I was at the beginning of the school year. Daisy uses the restroom at school (she's still afraid of the loud, automatic flushing, but she'll do it if Annabelle goes with her). She's ridden on a school bus for a field trip. And now she's petting live animals.

Okay, she's still scared of our dog, but I'll take whatever progress comes our way.

We also had parent-teacher conferences this afternoon for Daisy, Annabelle and Joey. All good stuff; they're all doing really well academically, emotionally, and behaviorally. Apparently we have successfully fooled the teachers into thinking we are good parents who provide our kids with positive life-experiences that are helping them develop into happy, well-adjusted and successful children ;)

Difficulty and Guilt in Parenting

Ahhhh, Annabelle, Annabelle, Annabelle.

I've alluded to her mischievousness and her compulsivity (i.e., the hair-pulling/finger-sucking), but I doubt I've succeeded in conveying the true essence of Annabelle. She is t-r-o-u-b-l-e. She is by far our most challenging child - probably exacerbated by the fact that her cohort, Daisy, also brings some pretty difficult challenges to the table (i.e., phobias and high emotions). The two of them together? Fuggeduhbadit - they're going to be the death of me.

But back to Annabelle. I swear I spend 89% of my waking time saying, "Annabelle, don't do that," and "Annabelle, stop it." She is that child, the one who does everything she's not supposed to do. It all began to crystallize, from what I recall, when she was about 18 months old and started stripping down naked, including taking her diaper off, when she was supposed to be napping, and gleefully smearing poop all over her crib. No lie. I can recount so many incidents in which she was the main character - incidents involving coloring her sister from head to toe in purple marker, incidents involving stealing a half gallon of chocolate ice cream from the freezer and spreading it all over the playroom (that is, what she didn't manage to eat) incidents involving her climbing up on top of the swing set and convincing her two-year-old sister to do the same (we're talking 10 feet off the ground). Those are memorable incidents; on a typical day it's general mischief, misbehavior, and non-cooperation. Mostly harmless stuff, relatively speaking, but annoying as all hell, and exhausting. And frustrating.

This afternoon it was one thing after another when she got home from school. After many threats, I had finally had it with her shenanigans, and I told her she couldn't go to dance. Not only that, but she had to stay in her room while I took her sisters to dance. I left with Daisy and Lilah, dressed in their ballerina finery, with Annabelle having a good ol' tantrum behind her bedroom door.

When we got home a little over an hour later, I went into her room, where she sat forlornly on her bed. I felt really, really crappy. Maybe I was too harsh. I don't know.

Sometimes I really feel like I don't have the first clue how to properly parent Annabelle. She's not a bad kid. She's just . . . spirited. And stubborn. And out for a good time. And exhibits almost zero impulse control. She pushes my buttons and pushes my buttons until she pushes one too many, and BAM, I lose my temper and employ some rash consequence, because I really don't have a plan in place (clearly, I need one). And really, it's no wonder she doesn't take me seriously - I threaten and threaten and threaten, and who knows when or if I'll ever follow through. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. It's a terrible way to go about things. Talk about parenting by the seat of your pants.

I worry about her. And I worry about my relationship with her. It seems like we spend so much time at odds with each other - and she's only five, for goodness sake. And honestly? I keep waiting for some teacher or other "expert" to tell me that she's got ADHD or something. So far, though, she's never had anything but glowing reports from school - both preschool and kindergarten. I've been told how "focused" she is, how "helpful," how "cooperative." Really? My Annabelle?

I love her to bits and pieces, I do. Despite the trouble she causes, she's very sweet. She loves to be loved. She is the best hugger and snuggler in the world. And she has the most delicious giggle - seriously, I've sometimes wished I could bottle it.

Ahh, this parenting gig. It's not easy.

Public Disclaimer

In case anyone sees my daughter out there today . . .

I did NOT pick this outfit for her this morning. In fact, this is not an ensemble I would ever choose.

But she's happy, so who am I to disapprove of her color coordinating preferences?

Sigh. I kind of miss the days when I could pick her outfits and she didn't have an opinion about it.

What Your Child's Schoolwork Reveals About Their Personality

Having twins in the same grade and the same class is sort of like a science experiment. I swear, even if these projects from school did not come back labeled with Daisy's and Annabelle's names, I would know whose is whose.

Annabelle is . . . ummmm . . . disorderly. Stubborn. Energetic. She marches to the beat of her own drummer. Clearly.

Daisy is a bit of a perfectionist. Also a people pleaser. Organized, neat, and responsible.

Can you see it?

I truly think it's fascinating to see how much of their personalities come through here. Very interesting stuff.

In other news, we seem to have accidentally stumbled upon a (temporary??) solution to the homework battles with Annabelle: Daisy is now helping her do her homework. (This was not my idea, I swear! I'm not trying to shirk my parental duties here.) Daisy is very self-directed and motivated when it comes to homework (not so much when it comes to things like setting the table, though . . .). She actually enjoys it. When the girls get home from school each afternoon, Daisy is usually raring to go on her homework. The other day, she started helping Annabelle with her homework, and Annabelle was so happy with this arrangement (as was I!), that it's continued every day. I just have to keep a close eye and make sure that Daisy doesn't do it for her.

There is something magical about the bond between twins.

Conspiracy Theory

The twins are in cahoots, I'm sure of it. In fact, I'm pretty sure they've been in cahoots since birth - maybe even since before birth. It's always something with them. I mean, I love them like mad, but I swear . . .

The latest: somebody carved "I love U" into our coffee table today. Okay, the table is trashed anyway, granted. It has 10+ years of mileage on it; it's had more than its share of being pounded on, climbed on, having Hot Wheels driven across it, and so forth. But this was blatant vandalism (even if it is a sweet sentiment). The girls came home from school today, festooned with Valentine's hats and paper sashes and lugging buckets of candy and cards from their kindergarten Valentine's celebration. So I guess they - or, rather, one of them - was carried away by the festive spirit of the whole thing and decided to carve her sentiments into the coffee table for posterity.

Here's where the conspiracy comes into play. When we discovered the carving and demanded to know who did it, what do you think we got in response? "Annabelle did it!" Daisy insisted. "No, Daisy did it!" Annabelle declared. Each stuck with her story. I'm convinced that they set out to create reasonable doubt so that neither would get into trouble.

Smart cookies, those two.

Little Dancers

The girls started new dance classes today:

Tiny Tots dance for Lilah . . .

. . . and a ballet/tap combo class for Daisy and Annabelle.

I love this stuff! I missed out on all this when I was a kid, so I am totally living vicariously here.

(Oh, and check out the insanely long legs on the one instructor in the first pic. My first impression, for a split second, was that she was on stilts, I kid you not.)

This is Lilah's first experience with a dance class, and she really seemed to enjoy herself. This week the parents were allowed to stay in the room and watch; starting next week, we won't be allowed to stay because it's too distracting for the kids. I'm a little nervous about leaving Lilah, but really I think she'll be fine.

The twins have been in dance before (although it's been a while), but it was just a rinky-dink little class through the local Parks & Rec. This is at an actual dance studio and seems a little more . . . oh, I don't know - not rinky-dink. The girls really liked it and are especially happy because their old friend, Ellie, is in the class with them.

Anyway, who can resist a little girl in a tutu?